Tomorrow, the "final" step on this whole sucky journey takes place....I'm having my reconstruction surgery. Even more exciting, my port will be removed at the same time. I am more excited about having my port removed than I am about getting my squishy boobs. I'm pretty much over breasts. If I had a different body type, I'm now certain I'd have not opted for any reconstruction. If I had this body type, I'd be quite comfortable without breasts. Alas, no matter how much I run, no matter how much I work out, that particular body type will never belong to me. I'm rather happy with my rock hard, totally unnatural "breast mounds" caused by the tissue expanders I have in right now. For those of you who don't know about tissue expanders, they are HARD. No movement, what's so ever. The rest of my body jiggles. Not my boobs. This makes lying on my stomach somewhat of a challenge, but it's still manageable. I could live with these for the rest of my life. Really, I could.
But this port....the port squicks me out, big time. The surgeons and doctors all say that it's one of the "best" they've seen, but it's nasty. There's this button right under my skin, about 2" below my collar bone. And then there's this tubing that runs under my skin, up toward my collar bone and disappears into my heart. Gross. Gross. Gross.
To top it off, I have some keloidal scarring along the tube, so there's a maroon line going up my chest. I care less about how it looks...by this point, most of my friends have some sort of scarring. But I simply can NOT stand how it feels. I know the word is over used, but it really is GROSS.
However, by tomorrow night, Portia the port will be gone. She has served me well, allowing 10 relatively pain free chemo infusions and 17 herceptin infusions. However, she shall not be missed.
And I'll have new boobs. Everyone assures me that I will be able to continue to live brassiere free after my surgery heals, and that had better be the reality I face. I do not miss wearing bras. Not. At. All.
And if I don't like these boobs, I can always get rid of them.