I fully imagine and assume that the depression part is made worse by the fact that I'm not exercising right now plus the anesthesia and all of it is compounded by my 6 month check up coming up, which is more stressful than I'd thought. It will involve a month or two of other tests...fun things like echo-cardiograms and MUGA scans, which for some reason I assume will show heart damage from treatment (herceptin, Adriamycin, radiation), lung damage (radiation), pancreatic damage, nerve damage, and for sure cognitive damages. Why do I assume this? I have no idea. Until last week, I was feeling fine. I have no reason to assume the worst. I just do. It's not normally the way I function. Normally, I am a head-in-the-sand-ostrich even in the face of obvious evidence.
To top it all, I have three friends recently diagnosed with rare, frightening, aggressive cancers; one diagnosed with a run of the mill cancer and the first treatment about killed him; one actively dying or maybe dead by this time today; and one friend who died right before Christmas. Four of these friends have children under 10.