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Saturday, March 12, 2011

Concerned and not sure what to do

It's now been a week and two days since I had surgery.  For the most part, the slicing and stitching part is all fine and good, as long as I don't do something silly like try to scratch my back or lift or reach and lift (that last part is the worst).

I've gotten the all clear to wait four weeks before doing much of anything physically, and then back to life as I want it.




Something is not right.  I'm chalking it up to anesthesia.  I'm becoming quite concerned.

My affect is pretty flat.  I'm depressed.  I'm moody and weepy.  I'm excessively tired.  I feel purposeless and really can only muster up the most basic of reasons why it's better to be alive...mostly, it would be bad for my kids if I weren't. 

Worse, though, is the brain fuzziness.  I can barely read.  I can decode words, but I can't remember or follow a train of thought.  I can't remember anything.  Seriously.  A friend sent me an email this morning about something I've known I have to do.  I responded that I'd get to it ASAP. I immediately put it out of my mind.  And until I got another email from her, it was as if the original email had never existed.

It's like I'm at that point of alcohol consumption where everything is hard to do, but not yet over the edge where--rightly or wrongly--everything is Crystal clear.  Holding my head up takes effort.  Lying with eyes closed seems like the thing to do.  It's like those days when you are abruptly awakened shortly after falling to sleep and you are totally befuddled.  Seriously, I can sit and stare off into space and not know I'm doing it.

The logistics of every day life are overwhelming. 

I have trouble putting together cogent thought and over-react on a very emotional level.  My processing is so slow that it's negligible.  I feel the wheels turning, as if they are coated in rust and the gears are not quite fitting correctly.

I have an appointment with Dr. Mo next week (I'm not even sure I should be driving at this point).  But I'm really quite frightened.  I can not function this way.


Anonymous said...

Don't wait until next week. Give this post to your husband or a friend and ask them to take you to your local doctor ASAP. Take this post with you.

It's highly likely something can be done to help you crawl out of the hole. It will be okay - hang in there. With love and concern, Sue

Kirsty said...

Hugs. Your body has been through a grueling process. Try to be patient with yourself and your healing, but like Sue says, don't hesitate to ask for help. Tell your Dr.'s your fears and see what they can do for you. I think you expect an awful lot from yourself after all you have been through in the last year. Sending a prayer your way.

Anonymous said...

Hi Dawn, I was wondering about you and how you were feeling following the operation. I agree with Sue's and Kirsty's posts above--do ask Louis or Nathan or a friend to take you to your doctor. Your 'Dr. Mo' sounds very supportive and pro-active. Please don't worry too much about the upcoming check-up--you will be okay! Love, Lisa