Reality Bites right now

I've been really frustrated by my limitations lately.

In general, I think I look pretty good, and that's what people have been telling me. All of my doctors think I'm doing really well. I'm in better physical condition than I have been in years.

Like a lot of survivors of any sort, I think I've reprioritized a lot in my life. It's not unusual for people who have survived car accidents, severe illnesses, house fires, the death of a loved one, or any number of traumatic incidents to "reprioritze" their lives. Or at least that is what I'm claiming.

In reality, though, it's easy to alter certain aspects of my life when I can't focus on more than one thing at a time, can't remember a lot of what I "need" to do, can't keep track of time, can't stay up late, can't multi-task, can't reason clearly, can't read anything intellectually challenging....Basically when I can't be who I used to be, that makes it really easy for me to "take time" for exercise. When I'm doing that, I don't think about what else I should be doing. It's the only time I feel focused.

Indeed, it is the only time I'm focused.

I do believe the longest, most severe lingering effect of cancer treatment has been to leave me with a raging, full blown case of adult attention deficit disorder.

I might even go so far as to use the adjective "debilitating."

I'm barely holding it together teaching this semester. Not only does it take me hours to accomplish the most basic of tasks, such as preparing lessons or evaluating essays, but I frequently forget to do what needs to be done. I've missed important deadlines, for instance the deadline for submitting my Family Medical Leave paperwork for the time I'll need to take off this semester. I can barely manage to plan meals and get groceries (OK, I'm incapable of doing this and we rarely have well rounded meals). I'm always forgetting something I need to do for work, such as grade papers or upload an assignment sheet, or even develop an assignment sheet. I've had huge chunks of missing information in assignments, and I've even managed to consistently forget to assign students basic work. Um, yes. I totally omitted teaching about transitional devices to my weak, first year writers. I'll cram that in next week.

I feel like I have the attention of a gold fish. Heck, since I have HUGE memory deficits, each day is like a new trip around the fish bowl.

When I add this to my vastly decreased processing speed, I've come to realize I'm vastly different than I was before.

In the last week or so, especially as I've been getting more and more frustrated while working with students--frustrations arising because I just can't help them troubleshoot the way I used to and I find myself getting confused while working with them--I realize that I'm not coping with these new realizations very well. Partly, I'm not coping because I'm tired of struggling to cope all the damn time. It's exhausting. Partly, I'm not coping because I'm no longer eating as well as I should be, for no reason other than I've simply stopped exerting the energy needed to plan food. For the first half of the semester, I was planning my (very simple) lunches in advance. Now, I'm just not. Partly, I'm not coping because I'm just not coping. I'm tired of coping.

And I have to admit, that tube of Pringles I just ate were damn good, even though I feel like crap right now.

Perhaps, along with ADHD, a lower IQ, and mental processing deficits, I'm depressed. Probably. I'll think about that. Later. If I remember. After I remember to go to my office and pick up the 60 essays dropped off there earlier today, which I'd forgotten about until just now. At 10:20 p.m. Hopefully, I'll remember to (a) exercise tomorrow morning, (b) pick up those papers, (c) grade them, (d) and to take Tynan to a movie tomorrow. If I'm lucky, I'll remember (e) that I even wrote this entry. Seriously, that's how bad it has gotten.

Yet another parallel to pregnancy/childbirth....

When a person is pregnant, their life becomes an open book, so to speak. Or maybe others see a pregnant person's life as a library book...there for sharing with others. Total strangers feel perfectly comfortable asking questions such as "When are you due?" or "What are you having?" They also feel totally comfortable telling the pregnant person horror stories, asking about bodily functions or telling about their (or their partner's) bodily functions....nothing is quite so wonderful as having some guy tell you about his wife's anal fissure, for instance.

I'm finding life to be very similar down here in L'ville as a visible cancer survivor.

Other survivors have approached me and that's quite nice. But it's the civilians who are getting in my bubble. One woman approached me...granted, she's in her 80s and a pretty straight shooter to start with, and said, "So, why do you wear that sleeve?" A few minutes later, she asked, "So, why is your hair so short?" Really lady? Wouldn't, "So, do you have cancer" or something similar be a little easier? Or, how about the question I got today, "So, what is your health status?" From a total stranger. Better yet, after being asked about my story by someone I have just met this week, the man then asked me, "So, if it was in your lymph nodes, doesn't that mean certain death?" To be honest, sir, drawing breath means certain death at some point....why would I discuss my mortality with a stranger? During a 15 minute work break, to boot? Oh, wait....I WOULDN'T.

Don't get me wrong. I have absolutely no problem discussing these issues with people I know. In fact, I'd rather discuss it openly than to leave people I care about guessing and wondering. I enjoyed the "So, what's up with the shooter sleeve?" questions I've gotten from some of my younger AP reader acquaintances. One long time acquaintance, former BGSU'er, out right said, "So, this year was a rough one for you, eh? When were you diagnosed?" That's fine and dandy. She KNOWS ME.

Another reader who is a survivor, sitting across from me at dinner one night, nodded at my sleeve and said, "I took mine off 18 years ago, and I've never had a problem, but I still do my exercises, just in case.....the first week of August, I'll be 20 years cancer free" and then teared up. Awesome! But the virtual stranger at my reading table who just won't let it go...the one who has asked me about my insurance, my sick leave, my prognosis, my surgery....while I'm fine and dandy about letting people I know feel my cement boobs in the Meijer parking lot, I really don't want to discuss my surgery with some virtual stranger, a man in his 60s, who I just met two days ago and with whom I've shared maybe 200 words up until this point....

It has been neat to have had a few people notice my sleeve and ask me if I'm a runner....if only! But I'll take that as an assumption:)

I guess it would never occur to me to ask a virtual stranger, "So, why are you blind?" unless it had come up in conversation. Yet, people always ask pregnant women things like, "Was it planned?" I wonder what would happen if someone, in answer to that question, were to respond, "Actually, no, but I figured this was easier than an abortion, plus I'm s super duper procrastinator, so here I am...."

Sort of like when strangers ask, "Did you find it yourself?" What would they think if I answered, "Actually, it was airport security that found it....I was pulled aside for random screening....."