Komen is OK, but not for the Cure.

There's been a lot of chatter in blogs lately about Komen, pink branding, and, most damning, that very little of the KOMEN money...all those races and walks and bracelets and ribbons...actually goes toward researching a cure for cancer.  There's also talk that Komen is in bed with big pharma, which admittedly, has its own set of issues.  I deny none of this.  In fact, while I will be running in the local Race for the Cure this fall, I won't be putting together a team, nor will I be asking for donations.

So, you might be asking, why the heck is she even telling us all of this.  She sounds rather wishy-washy.  If she's against Komen, why is she even participating?

I want to clarify:  I am NOT against Komen as an organization at all.  I'm against the duplicitous nature of the "for a CURE" mumbo jumbo.  If an organization raises millions of dollars "for a cure," I expect that, quite frankly, a lot of their money should go toward a cure.  Instead, approximately 25% goes toward research.  When it comes to research dollars, only about 3% go toward research on metastatic breast cancer which is what actually kills the absolute vast majority of people diagnosed with breast cancer.  Komen's mission is to end breast cancer.  Yet, almost as much Komen money is spent on fund raising, office expenses, etc. as goes toward research.

But I'm letting all that roll off my back right now, because one thing Komen does, and does superbly, is support those with breast cancer, and for that, I'll run.  I have directly benefited by Komen funding in one way, especially, that might potentially prevent me from having an reccurence.  One way that has been life changing.

Exercise.

A year ago, I attended, a yoga retreat for breast cancer survivors that was funded by Komen and private donations and Duke Cancer Center.  It was an amazing experience, one I shall be forever grateful for.

However, much more life changing was my participation in a Komen grant sponsored exercise program here in town.  C.U.R.E. (A Community United Through Relationships and Exercise) was one of the best experiences of my life (some might think that my life has been boring).  Granted, we were a small community, but what we learned about exercise, alone, made the experience worthwhile. 

I am much, much stronger than I was before beginning the classes.  I also had the opportunity to try different forms of exercise, for instance spin (and I decided that I really do NOT like it) and aqua fit (water aerobics, two thumbs up).  Zumba, which I really did not think I would like, turned out to be one of my most favorite exercise options, and I now attend at least two zumba classes a week, have purchased a zumba game for our xbox kinect!  I'm in the market for the best option for zumba shoes.

I also developed relationships with other bc survivors I may not have otherwise developed.  For instance, one participant was a woman I'd known in passing for several years, yet I didn't know she had had bc and she didn't know I had.  On the surface, we are two vastly different women, but we easily found commonalities in the CURE classes. 

The teachers were very awesome as well.  As trained exercise specialists, and young very fit women themselves, I would have previously been disinclined to chat them up; however, that was so not the case with these CURE instructors.  The one I exercised with the most frequently even went so far as to come up with a specialized exercise routine for me and one other participant as we were a little stronger and more able than some of the others.  Regardless, we all had fun, we all tried out new activities, and best of all, I learned to enjoy sweating to the point that my entire head was wet.  Who knew?

So, for this, and this reason alone, I'm not convinced that Komen is worth totally ditching.  I have certainly benefited from Komen's generosity in funding these programs.

Oh, and now I've "graduated" to the regular classes at the Rec Center and can hold my own with students who are the age of my own children.  Some times, I even show them up :)

Accomplishment!

For the new year, I set some goals.  Some have been trashed due to my upcoming surgery.  There's no way, with having my boob stitched to my rib March 3rd that I'll be running a marathon in April, for instance.  For some reason, I'm incapable of losing weight these days.  On the non-physical front, I'm dropping the ball everywhere is seems, which includes dropping the two classes I was taking.

However, I have been exercising 5 days most weeks; 6 or 7 on others.  I've discovered the "free" faculty and staff exercise classes (zumba and cardio/strength) at the Rec Center.  Free is in quotes because while we don't have to pay for these classes, we pay in other ways, oh, we most certainly do.  BGSU also has landed a grant from the Komen Foundation to offer exercise classes specifically for breast cancer ensurers.  At first, I was repetitious about these classes, fearing they'd be all fluffy and pink and stupid.  However, K, the teacher is anything but and has designed the classes to be quite rigorous.  These classes are wonderful, too, because there are never more than three people in them, so that's like having a personal trainer nearly all to myself twice a week, for free!  I've also got the weight routine that Mr. Happy has set up for me at the Community Center.  I try to do that three times a week.  And Amy and I have been hitting up Zumba every Saturday.  I love Zumba.  Loving zumba is not to say that I'm good at it.  I work up a sweat and have a good time, but what I'm doing certainly can not be construed in any way as dancing.  I'm getting better at it though.  My cha-cha-cha is up to the cha-cha-c level now.

Anyway, not much is happening in the professional and intellectual realms of my life.  My chemo-brain is not lessening.  I keep trying, but I'm not seeing much improvement on that front.  I still have not motivation for work.  I still experience annoying amounts of fatigue.

But today, I accomplished 200 squats and 200 crunches, two of the physical goals I'd set for myself for this year.

And that is a good feeling.

Reality Bites right now

I've been really frustrated by my limitations lately.

In general, I think I look pretty good, and that's what people have been telling me. All of my doctors think I'm doing really well. I'm in better physical condition than I have been in years.

Like a lot of survivors of any sort, I think I've reprioritized a lot in my life. It's not unusual for people who have survived car accidents, severe illnesses, house fires, the death of a loved one, or any number of traumatic incidents to "reprioritze" their lives. Or at least that is what I'm claiming.

In reality, though, it's easy to alter certain aspects of my life when I can't focus on more than one thing at a time, can't remember a lot of what I "need" to do, can't keep track of time, can't stay up late, can't multi-task, can't reason clearly, can't read anything intellectually challenging....Basically when I can't be who I used to be, that makes it really easy for me to "take time" for exercise. When I'm doing that, I don't think about what else I should be doing. It's the only time I feel focused.

Indeed, it is the only time I'm focused.

I do believe the longest, most severe lingering effect of cancer treatment has been to leave me with a raging, full blown case of adult attention deficit disorder.

I might even go so far as to use the adjective "debilitating."

I'm barely holding it together teaching this semester. Not only does it take me hours to accomplish the most basic of tasks, such as preparing lessons or evaluating essays, but I frequently forget to do what needs to be done. I've missed important deadlines, for instance the deadline for submitting my Family Medical Leave paperwork for the time I'll need to take off this semester. I can barely manage to plan meals and get groceries (OK, I'm incapable of doing this and we rarely have well rounded meals). I'm always forgetting something I need to do for work, such as grade papers or upload an assignment sheet, or even develop an assignment sheet. I've had huge chunks of missing information in assignments, and I've even managed to consistently forget to assign students basic work. Um, yes. I totally omitted teaching about transitional devices to my weak, first year writers. I'll cram that in next week.

I feel like I have the attention of a gold fish. Heck, since I have HUGE memory deficits, each day is like a new trip around the fish bowl.

When I add this to my vastly decreased processing speed, I've come to realize I'm vastly different than I was before.

In the last week or so, especially as I've been getting more and more frustrated while working with students--frustrations arising because I just can't help them troubleshoot the way I used to and I find myself getting confused while working with them--I realize that I'm not coping with these new realizations very well. Partly, I'm not coping because I'm tired of struggling to cope all the damn time. It's exhausting. Partly, I'm not coping because I'm no longer eating as well as I should be, for no reason other than I've simply stopped exerting the energy needed to plan food. For the first half of the semester, I was planning my (very simple) lunches in advance. Now, I'm just not. Partly, I'm not coping because I'm just not coping. I'm tired of coping.

And I have to admit, that tube of Pringles I just ate were damn good, even though I feel like crap right now.

Perhaps, along with ADHD, a lower IQ, and mental processing deficits, I'm depressed. Probably. I'll think about that. Later. If I remember. After I remember to go to my office and pick up the 60 essays dropped off there earlier today, which I'd forgotten about until just now. At 10:20 p.m. Hopefully, I'll remember to (a) exercise tomorrow morning, (b) pick up those papers, (c) grade them, (d) and to take Tynan to a movie tomorrow. If I'm lucky, I'll remember (e) that I even wrote this entry. Seriously, that's how bad it has gotten.

Last Herceptin

Today, 15 months to the day of my official diagnosis (that is, the day my pathology came back), I will sit for my last herceptin infusion. Hopefully, my last ever. However, upon contemplation, if I could continue herceptin in an effort to prevent recurrence, I would. If I do have a recurrence, I'll have to have herceptin for the rest of my life, or as long as my heart can tolerate it. It is highly cardio-toxic.

In fact, my last echo-cardiogram indicated a 10% decrease in heart function; however, unlike MUGA scans (which involve the injection of radioactive dyes and freak me out) the "reading" of an echo-cardiogram varies from person to person, so a 10% decrease could be due to interpretation, which is exactly what my onco chalked the decrease up to. The ejection fraction was still within normal range, regardless, and I had run 5 miles the day before....so no one is worried about my heart.

But isn't that a mixed bag: if I have a recurrences, I'll have to have herceptin for the rest of my life, unless it causes enough heart damage that I'll have to stop it. Heart damage can kill...cancer can kill...sucks all the way around, I guess.

Rumor has it there is a herceptin vaccine in stage three trials right now. I'd be first in line, I think, if it were available for me.

Of course, there are "unknown long term effects" with which to be concerned. After all, I think herceptin itself has only been available like I've been using it since 2006 and only since 1998 for metastatic breast cancer...

Anyway, in a few minutes, I'll leave for my last infusion, hopefully forever.

Meanwhile, I'm just about to need to get my hair cut and styled. My wonderful sister-in-law did my first trim a few weeks ago, so that it is all the same length...about 1.5". It's much thicker than it was before. It's much, much curlier. I understand that I have what is known as a "chemo-perm". I'm trying to enjoy it, and I rather hope the curls stay. Some people find they do; others find they don't. Meanwhile, I've decided to keep my hair short. Now, I just need to find a local stylist who can make it do what I want it to do. Oh, and the appropriate "product" to make it conform to my every desire and have a texture that I approve of. Not too much to ask for. Probably impossible.

I've continued my quest for physical fitness. Some might call it an obsession. My one child certainly thinks it takes up too much of my time. Of course, being the whiniest child in the family, I take his complaints with a grain of salt. He'd never be happy. It has been a change for them though...me working days and then taking exercise classes and/or working out in the evenings. At one point, I might have cared more than I do now. Now, whatever. In fact, now, I regret the years I spent sublimating my needs to theirs, and more so, using that as an excuse to avoid dealing with my own issues. Yes, indeed, I think this is a common problem of many women, mothers especially, especially mothers in my "circle" of dedicated breastfeeders and homeschoolers. And now, looking in from the outside, I see many women who have put themselves in the position of being regularly taken advantage of by their families because of this. And I see many women who use their husbands, children, and "busyness" as an excuse for ignoring their physical (and perhaps mental) health. But all of this is material for another entry on another day.

Back to my own quest for fitness. I ran a little over 8 miles yesterday. I didn't do it quite nonstop. Yet, when I did stop, it was to stretch and deal with tight muscles, not to rest. I understand "runners" do this all the time. I'm not racing. I'm completing. I have one more "breast cancer" hurdle to accomplish this year, and that's my reconstruction surgery on November 19th. To psych myself up for that, my plan is to run the equivalent of a half marathon the weekend prior. I can't find a race nearby, and I'll be way too busy dealing with grading, planning for being out of the classroom, and generally getting ready for surgery to travel to a sanctioned event, so my plan is to simply run 13.1 miles on either that Saturday or Sunday on my own. I feel sure I can do it.

That is all well and good. In general, I feel good. I've learned to cope with the constant fatigue, which is still lingering from radiation. Some say it never goes away. My biggest challenge, the one I find most frustrating, the one that is most fear inducing, the worst perhaps permanent side effect of all of this, though, the one thing that I'm NOT doing well dealing with, is chemo-brain. I'll write more about this later, but suffice it to say, it is real, it's not going away or improving, and it has had a HUGE negative impact on my ability to live life and to function at my job. Fortunately, it now has a more professional sounding name and has been recognized by experts. Meanwhile, I am having a hard time coming to grips with, in essence, learning to accept that I'm basically brain damaged and not nearly as smart and capable as I was one year ago.

However, now I must jump in the van, drive to Toledo, and get my last infusion. I shall then celebrate by taking Tynan out to lunch and then, if the weather holds, we are going to go on a fun bike ride in one of the metroparks.

Herceptin Infusion #15

Two infusions left!!! I'm so psyched. October will be the last month of active treatments. It's about time!! I know a lot of people say herceptin is no big deal, and in comparison to active chemo, it really is a walk in the park; however, it's like a walk in a park that has fallen into ruin, where the swings are missing seats, where the grass is strewn with trash and has more bare patches than grassy patches, and where the trash cans are stinky and surrounded by flies.

Yes, it's still a park, but....

So, I'm all burbly and tired and bitchy, all of which is compounded by the lunch I ate, I'm sure, which consisted of a turkey burger with avocado, cheese, and bacon. I so rarely eat meat of any sort any more. If it wasn't the lunch that is making me feel so horrid, then the reactions I'm getting to the herceptin are getting worse each treatment. I'm going with the "it was the lunch" theory for now.

Yet, were it the herceptin, I'd only have to experience this two more times in my life. If it's the lunch, then....damn.

I also had an appointment with Dr. Mo today. I so heart spending time with her. A good doctor will keep you alive as long as possible. A great doctor enjoys living with you, you know?

Of course, she's so busy and I'm no so low priority that I first had to see her practice doctor and this physical therapist she now has on staff. In doing so, I got to share my story at least twice. And they all deemed me doing well, doing wonderfully, fine, excellent, spectacular!

I could have told them that.

The practice doctor was concerned that I'd lost 9 pounds in 9 weeks. However, since I've been working out and eating less, that's actually rather ideal and not a sign of cancer (personally, I think he was reassuring himself, not me when he said that). He was concerned that I'm still fatigued and that my last labs showed that I'm anemic and have micro-blah blah blah hemoglobin yadda yadda yadda. At that point I mentioned that I have thalassimia and that's all normal. Furthermore, I don't feel anemic fatigue...I'm well versed in that feeling having had it all my life. However, not being an MD or someone else who knows what she's talking about, he ordered more labs and had written a prescription for iron...

Gotta love Dr. Mo, she looked pointedly at him when she came in the room and asked, "Didn't Dawn tell you she has thalassimia and her numbers were, therefore, normal for her. She can get labs done in the spring when we see her again. Now, just so you know in the future, you might be tempted to prescribe iron for someone with her numbers, but that is exactly what one doesn't do for people with thalassimia."

Vindication is an awesome feeling.

She then said that she could tell I was doing well, so let's not waste time with that. What changes am I frustrated with now that it should all be over and people probably think it's all over.

God bless her.

She then validated everything I've been feeling and frustrated with. The fatigue, she says is worse for women over 40 and under 70 who go through treatment. She also said it was perfectly normal to feel 10 years older, not just in energy level, but in joints and muscles, and **20** years older mentally.

I mentioned that I'm still having problems with my feet, and she said to use this opportunity to shop for all new shoes and better quality socks. When I told her that was what I'd been doing, she asked me for brand names and stores (she, too, has foot issues and finds many shoes uncomfortable). She told the practice doctor that this was all important information and that he might need to get his female nurses to solicit such information from female patients. And then the information needed to be passed on to his nurses so they could help other women with similar problems.

I then told her that the worst problem was my diminished cognitive capacity and not only does it make me sad, but it's really affecting my mood. She said that cognitive diminishment is now "in the books" and that this area will probably get some of the most rigorous research in the future, now that they've gotten nausea and other chemo side effects controlled. She suggested giving it a full year before I really start to worry, suggested some ways to work with it--such as exercise and sleep, reading and some other forms of stimulation--but also said that the women who notice it the most are the ones who had the most to lose, which is a nice compliment, I suppose, but still really sucks.

Although the practice doctor didn't think that Ambien would help me with this issue, Dr. Mo agreed with me that if I were to be able to go to bed and immediately fall asleep, guaranteeing a little more sleep each night with less chance of awakening, I'd find that I'd function better at work and maybe not be so volatile with my children.

Validation is nice.

So, overall, everything is going well. I don't see Dr. Mo again until MARCH which is sort of scary, but also wonderful.

I have two more herceptin infusions. And my reconstruction surgery three weeks after the last one, and then, for all intents and purposes, it's all over and I can pick up the remaining bits and pieces and be the new me.

Meanwhile, I continue to prepare for running a half marathon in November as my pre-surgery psych-up.

Life in the "Normal" lane

So, I've been absent from here for a while. It's not that I haven't thought about blog posts. In fact, I regularly compose them in my head. It's not that I don't sit down at the computer any more. Those of you on facebook know that's certainly not true.

I don't really know what it is that keeps me from blogging, other than it is harder and harder to sustain the intellectual energy required for longer pieces of discourse. I can snap off facebook updates easily, probably too easily. Certainly, I do that too frequently. However, crafting and sustaining coherent larger pieces of discourse just seems beyond my capabilities lately. In fact, I'm barely able to sustain coherence long enough to get the writing done that I need to do for work.

This is partially due to my cognitive capacity being damaged from chemo, for sure.

But even more so, I think it is due to the fact that there have been so many changes lately, over the past four months or so.

For one thing, I'm back at work, so I have to expend energy in that direction. More on that in another entry. For another, I'm going to bed a lot earlier, with the exception of tonight. For yet another, I've been getting up earlier in the mornings, but I'm not yet capable of figuring out what to do with myself during that time, being newly converted to being awake during the early hours. Furthermore, I'm no longer watching much tv, which is when I used to do quite a bit of writing. I just can't bring myself to watch tv any more. Sort of like those people who eat a favorite food to the point it makes them sick and then can't eat it any more, I no longer can really tolerate watching tv any more. I don't even have much of a desire for any of my favorite shows, to the point I can't even order the dvds from Netflix. I'm also using quite a bit more time exercising, so that detracts from the time I used to be able to devote to my blog. In fact, it's not unusual for me to be physically active for two or more hours a day. For instance, last week, I met a friend and ran in the morning before going to teach, taught from 9:30-2:30, then did a 2 hour bike ride, and went for a pedicure. Sure, it was only 7:00 by the time all of that was finished, but when one is typically heading for bed by 9:30 or 10:00, there just doesn't seem to be enough time to blog.

And I do miss it. I compose entries in my head whilst running and biking. I will admit that I don't while in the midst of the exercise classes I've been taking. Mostly what runs through my head during those is not fit to be printed where it might be read by those with tender sensibilities. Maybe those who have survived basic training in the military could read it, but the rest of you are probably better off without.

But the changes a friend asked me to write about, the new normal, are still becoming apparent.
For one, I no longer enjoy or crave animal flesh. While not by any means a vegetarian, I certainly won't go out of my way for meat and rarely consume it. In fact, last week, I made lasagna for Sunday evening dinner and bought the Morningstar Farms version for myself because the idea of the meat in the lasagna just turned me off at a deep, visceral level.

Second, I'm really enjoying life quite a bit and I'm generally not being bothered by little things that used to bother me. When I am bothered by little things, those kinds of things that really don't matter in the grand scheme of things, I'm much more aware that I'm being bothered by silliness and recognize it for what it is.

Third, I have gotten quite a bit stronger. In March, I could barely sustain 60 seconds of jogging followed by 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes. Last week, I ran 4.5 miles without any walking and wasn't tired. I stopped because my feet hurt and because my back hurt. OK, so "ran" is probably a misnomer for what I did. But I can certainly say I was truly "jogging."

And, finally, as of today, I've officially dropped yet another pants (jeans) size. That's about 7 sizes in two years and probably 50 lbs in the past....um....15-18 months.

But really, I have a lot more musing rolling around in my head, and someday, I'm sure I'll sweep them into a corner, sort them out, and turn them into something sharable.

I promise.

But meanwhile, off to bed.

Two weeks . . . of success

Two weeks ago, 14 full days, I started to seriously try to incorporate a full hour of exercise into each day. The American Cancer Society recommends at least 30 minutes a day, five days a week. There is other evidence that an hour a day is optimal, especially too reduce the risk of some cancers, including breast cancer. For women to NOT gain weight as they age, the current recommendation is an hour a day, seven days a week.

How this will work out when I go back to work, I have no clue. There are still several months to figure that out. However, for the past two weeks, on most weekdays, after my radiation appointment, I've gone to the Community Center and either walked--at least 3 miles at 15 or fewer minutes per mile--or done the Couch to 5K running program--finishing up a full 5K walking after the "running" is finished. I've attempted to be there and sweating for at least an hour a day. A couple of times, I had to cut the time short due to other conflicts; one day, for instance, I had to go before I went to radiation and I forgot to wear my compression sleeve, and going home to get it cut my time short. In general, though, I've been getting about an hour a day of exercise and have completed two weeks of the C25K program.

I can't say I like it. In fact, I pretty much detest it. I wish there were a magic exercise pill.

But there isn't.

I've tried exercise videos, but those don't work so well for me. It's too easy for me to quit, go half-assed, or procrastinate. Plus, my house doesn't lend itself to exercise in front a TV. The ceiling fan in the family room is inconvenient for over-arm movements, the floor has to be clear--which means I have to nag people to pick up their crap, and in the living room, there isn't room near the TV. Walking outside is fine, but with the peripheral neuropathy I have in my toes, the unevenness of sidewalks and curbs an issue.

I'm actually quite surprised at how much I prefer walking in circles at the Community Center. For starters, I'm pretty competitive at times, and I compete against myself with the timer. There's nothing like knocking 10 seconds off your previous lap. Second, I am in love with the little silver lap counters. I can't wimp out when I can increase that number. Today, I'd only intended to walk 4.5 miles, but instead did 5.0 miles just to make an even 40 laps. Third, the temperature remains relatively consistent, and that makes me happy. Fourth, I get excited when the fan by the weight area is on and I get that brief blast of air--on the days we go clockwise. If you had asked me two weeks ago if I'd want to walk laps indoors, around and around in a circle, for an hour or more a day, I'd have scoffed in your face. But I do rather enjoy it, I'm almost embarrassed to say.

I've been waiting for my blood counts to come up and to see what kind of skin changes I'm going to have from the radiation before I venture out to the weight or cardio machines. The last thing I need is to come in contact with MRSA right now if I can avoid it. Since I struggle with diligence, it's just best if I don't even take the risk for now. Once I'm finished with radiation, though, I'll have to reconsider.

Meanwhile, I'll keep plodding away for an hour a day, most days, round and round and round the blue track.

I will admit I'm sleeping better, have more energy, and am hating it less than I did two weeks ago. Maybe some day I'll even enjoy it. Maybe some day I'll look forward to it?

Continuing to Crawl Out of the Hole

I just realized today that I haven't really watched any TV for a few days and much of what I have seen has bored me. This is yet another indicator that I'm crawling out of the chemo hole.

The smackdown appears to be over! I have more energy and more inclination to be involved in life. This either bodes well or not so well for my children:) They are pretty used to minimal involvement at this point. Tynan will be happier, but I'm not so sure about the feral teens.

Also, while I don't enjoy it, the idea of exercise doesn't seem overwhelming right now. I actually finished 3 days (one week) of the Couch to 5k program this week. Day one sucked big time. Day 2 was pretty bad, but today, day 3 wasn't horrible. That's about the best I can say. It wasn't horrible.

I hope it gets better. People have told me it gets better. I've read testimonials that say it gets better.

When do the endorphins kick in?

I watch my kids run and I think, "Why do my legs not move like that?" It looks so easy when they do it.

New American Plate

Many months ago, I mentioned the New American Plate way of eating. Sometimes I manage. Other times not so well. However, tonight's plate looked pretty well proportioned (I'm still not eating dairy or grains).

Menu:

Grilled Salmon with Tomato, Olive, Caper, Jalapeno Sauce

Roasted Asparagus

Roasted Broccoli

Garlicky Greens

I also accomplished Week 1, Day 2 of C25K today and after the cool down was over, I was so close to actually having covered 5K of ground that I continued walking until I did, about another 1/2+ mile. My thighs are a little sore, but otherwise, I feel good.

Forget what I said before

about a "modicum of being in shape." I lied. I flat out lied. I started the Couch to 5K (C25K) running program today.

Oh. My. Goodness.

Nothing can make a person feel more out of shape than getting out of breath during a 60 second jog. I seriously didn't think I'd make it to the end of the first 60 seconds. When those chimes rang and I heard the command to "WALK," I'm not sure I've ever been more relieved. I thought I was going to cry, to throw my ipod, to just out and out quit when I heard that the workout was half over. ONLY HALF OVER!!! What the hell?!?!?! I actually briefly thought that perhaps my ipod had been paused for a while or something. It had to nearly be OVER, not just halfway over. I was dying.

I did it, though. For the entire 30 minutes. In fact, by the end, I was kind of surprised that it was time to stop. It sure felt like it.

But I stuck it out. And when my ipod told me that it was cool-down time, I was actually a little surprised. That second half, like the second half of a tank of gas in my van, went a lot faster than the first half.

I won't lie and say that it felt good. But it did get a little easier. I still ached longingly for each "WALK" segment. The running never felt easy, but it did become less horrific. Still bad. I actually hate it and nearly always have, but I did it.

I'm pretty committed to finishing the entire 9 week program. I'd like to like running. I used to say the same thing about fish. I wanted to like fish. I tolerate it now. I've found some enjoyment in it. I've started to look forward to it and choose it as a food option over other foods that I've always liked. This experience with fish gives me hope for running.

Day 1 of Week 1 of the C25K program done. If nothing else, I'll not have to do it again:)

Update: right after originally posting this entry, I was playing Majong at www.pbs.org, and uncovered the most appropriate quote from The Buddha:

There are only two mistakes one can make along the road of truth: Not going all the way, and not starting.

One reason you never hear for maintaining a modicum physical fitness

That just might be my longest title on a post yet:)

We've all heard that we must exercise to help keep our hearts healthy, to keep our weight down, to help prevent diabetes and osteoporosis, to decrease depression, to help prevent cancer, yadda yadda yadda. But an excellent reason, one that I've never heard expressed, is that when you are at least minimally fit and/or active, it is easier to rehabilitate after periods of illness.

As you know, I've done nothing but sit on my arse since December.....mostly just sat on my dupa before that, too, at least since my blood counts bottomed out and, hence, my fatigue levels sky rocketed sometime in October; however, most specifically, since surgery in December and then the four rounds of chemo that I started in January and ended 3.5 weeks ago, I've not done much of anything physically.

However, the time has come for that to end. One of the side effects of the chemo drugs I've been on is peripheral neuropathy, which manifests in many ways, but one way is in muscle weakness and aches. Add to that my overall lack of activity, and I'm a flabby mess.

I'm still feeling quite a bit of fatigue, and I never know when it will hit. It seems like I crash mostly in the late morning and/or late in the day. When I say crash, I really do mean crash, very much like a teenager (I have the opportunity to observe that phenomenon nearly daily). That makes it hard to plan to exercise...I still feel like I need to pace myself. I still feel like I rejuvenate by sitting in the sun for hours. On some days, even that is tiring. Take yesterday for instance...after sitting in the sun in the front yard for an hour, I was so tired, I napped in the backyard for an hour.

Flabby + fatigue + the fear of fatigue = hard to motivate to exercise.

So I've decided that for this week, I'll walk each evening after dinner. Earlier this week, walking less than a mile made me out of breath and made my leg muscles shaky. Tonight, walking 2.3 miles felt awesome. I wasn't going at any speed by any means. My arms weren't necessarily pumping, but I felt great.

I can't imagine how frustrating and difficult this all would be if I hadn't been walking 5 miles every few days before I hit the wall of fatigue late last fall or if I hadn't been doing my best to stick with yoga before and after my surgery, regardless of my fatigue levels.

I have a long way to go with upper body work....between lack of use and age, I haven't had much upper body strength in years. It was never my forte. Now, though, it's embarrassing. I'm not too sure what to do about that, since I have to worry about lymphedema, which can be exacerbated by exercise but also may be helped by exercise. Actually, I love swimming, but the options for that are so limited in this area, especially with my previous teaching and childcare schedules. Now would be an ideal time to swim, but it's not recommended during chemo due to the potential germ exposure, not recommended during radiation due to needing to avoid anything drying to the skin, and prohibited for at least six weeks after surgery/reconstruction. That all means it's out for me until sometime in mid to late summer, I guess, if everything goes as planned. Once school starts in August, who knows how it will work with my schedule.

Meanwhile, I'm just happy that I'm able to feel stronger each day and that I at least started out, back before this whole stupid cancer thing started, with the ability to walk fairly long distances. With 20/20 hind site, I'd probably have put more emphasis on exercise so that crawling out of this cancer shit hole was easier.

I still feel like an old lady, and there are quite a few old ladies who are more spy than I around, but at least I'm out there moving, which three weeks ago seemed like it was never going to happen.