Aren't you jealous??

Just think how bedazzling YOUR halloween costume could have been...

They are all different, and chemo brain strikes again...

That last part rhymes is your pronounce "again" with a long a sound, by the way....

When Nathan gets sick, he gets very, very sick. He's had pneumonia more times than I can remember. A few years ago, when the children were stricken with a horrible influenza, Nathan was so sick, I actually took him to the doctor because I was worried. I'm not known for taking my kids to the doctor because I'm worried (and usually I wait too long). At that time, he couldn't sit up in the doctor's office. After every long, intense soccer tournament, Nathan gets sick. If he gets stressed, he shortly thereafter gets sick.

Aidan, on the other hand, has only once even been seen by a doctor when ill because he simply either doesn't get sick or he recovers quickly. When he was five months old, he was hospitalized with croup. At that time, the doctors told us to expect that he'd be in the hospital for 3-5 days. He was released within 14 hours, cough free. Since then, he's not ever been sick enough to warrant being seen by a doctor. When he gets colds, he has a runny nose for 3 days...maybe. That adage of a cold lasting 7 days or a week? Not Aidan's colds. Chicken Pox? He blew through the whole cycle in three, maybe four, days. And that was after multiple exposures to the virus. That horrible flu that laid Nathan out for nearly two weeks a few years ago, made Aidan sorta-miserable for 1.5 days. It was his first experience with a fever. He was 11? A vomiting flu that laid Tynan out for 3 days and Nathan for 3 days....Aidan vomited once and was lethargic for a day. Recently he missed two days of school for a stomach virus...and was perfectly fine on day three, where his brothers moved through it much more slowly...I think Nathan had symptoms for four days and Tynan off and on for longer than that.

Tynan, now, is a mixture of both brothers. He seems to come down with things rather easily, but doesn't stay down for long. However, at times, when he goes down, he goes down hard. He's my strep kid. Neither of the big boys has ever had strep, but Tynan had it multiple times when he was younger. There was one summer when he was sick with strep from May until July, I think. He also gets sinus infections (I'm so happy he's learned to neti, which has pretty much fixed that problem), and his infections linger, and linger, and linger....sometimes. He was the child with the perpetual infection one year....he missed 17 days of school because he kept spiking fevers and was never fever free for 48 hours (that was the year of flu...and the strain the kids had was contagious until fever free for 48 hours). Finally, the doctor ordered an MRI and culture and discovered a little, tiny pocket of sinus infection, that when cultured ended up being an "archaic" strain that responded best to old fashioned penicillin as opposed to the newer antibiotics. So he's a weird one, Tynan is.

Yesterday, the doctor declared that Tynan probably has H1N1, just through process of elimination. He did a rapid flu test, but those give false positives for H1N1 in over 50% of cases, so the negative result, in the face of his symptoms, probably isn't a true negative. Plus, he responded quickly to anti-virals. And he's up and down, down and up. Looks like a raccoon...very pale, very dark circles under his eyes. Incapacitating head aches. Then shortly after, feels OK. Ice cream seems to help.

We've been dosing him with vit. C, vit. D, oscillococcinum, and keeping him pretty much quarantined in the family room. He's not coughing too much. Fever comes and goes, but seems much lower today (I should probably take it at some point). I'm mostly avoiding him, and he me. He hasn't complained about aches today, and he's gotten some wonderful "Daddy time" since Lou is running interference for me.

So, he and I suck down our Tamiflu.

And that chemo brain? I collected essays yesterday and was really intending to get them all graded by Monday, Tuesday at the latest. I do round 5 on Wednesday, and although I don't feel sick until late Friday at the earliest after chemo, I don't focus so well with the steroids I'll start taking Tuesday and feel the effects of until some time Friday. Being cranked on steroids is NOT a good way to approach GSW 1100 essays. Focus is an issue, and one of the other side effects is irritability. I get irritated enough without drug enhanced irritability. 1100 student essays require a special sort of Zen. And my Zen goes far, far away within minutes of my first dose of Decadron. I normally handle Zen and the Art of 1100 Maintenance quite well lately. But not cranked on deccies....

Well, there's an example of chemo brain...I had no intention of writing about Decadron.

What I'd intended to say 120 or so words ago was that I have this stack of essays; I was intending to grade 20 or so today, tomorrow, Monday; I totally blanked on "sterilizing them" which is what I've been doing for several years now (and I've avoided getting sick for quite a few years, since I've started consciously avoiding student germs). So, now I'm two hours behind because I pop them in the over for at least two hours. It may not be a perfect solution, but I really have had fewer "student" illnesses since I've started collecting essays in a box/basket, baking them, and also not letting students use my textbooks (and avoiding touching their books and computers).

Drat. I had such great intentions. Double Drat. Two hours in the oven means I won't get to them before I have to start getting dressed for the Halloween party. I can't believe I totally forgot about this.

Aaaaargh....Good News that changes nothing and bad news that is annoying

When I had my MUGA done, I also had another mammogram for the surgeon. The good news is that my left breast--the bad one--is "clean." It looks healthier in the mammogram than my right breast--the good one--which was given a "cancer free" bill of health last month. Ultimately, this changes nothing. I still will have the surgery and radiation, because cancer is still there, even if it's invisible. Dr. Mohamad thinks that the great response to the chemo is in large part due to the supplements and visualization, so YIPPEE! It's working, and that's encouraging.

So, last round of chemo, I had a horrible time with what I thought was a worsening reaction to Neulasta. Apparently, while Neulasta can cause the type of pain I was experiencing, it's rare for it last as long as it has...basically, I'm still experiencing pain in my knees, hands, ankles, and hips. This is especially apparent when I drive and my ankles, knees, and hips ache and at night, when the pain in my hips and knees wakes me up and interferes with falling asleep.

At the same time, I'm having muscle pain and the sensation of weakness in my one arm, hand, and my legs. There is no weakness; it just feels like there should be weakness. I feel quite a bit of "muscle burn." For instance, while I've been walking quite a bit, I "feel the burn" even before I've gone far and even if I'm walking slowly. My right forearm constantly feels as if I've been squeezing a ball...it's tight, tired, and achy.

So, like all good patients, I called the oncologist, and apparently, her guess is that it's the Taxotere, not the Neulasta (or compounded by the Nuelasta). The muscle aches are not generally a side effect of Neulasta, but not unheard of with Taxotere. When I described the joint pain by saying, "It feels like my knees should be swollen, but they aren't" she was clued in. I guess Taxotere side effects sometimes mimic rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia. These effects usually go away within three months of the last Taxotere infusion. Rarely, they last forever. Guess we'll find out.

It is what it is. And so it goes.

This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased.

Tynan, 9, has taken the whole breast cancer thing the hardest out of all of the kids. He's the youngest and, therefore, the most vulnerable, I think. And lately, he's been dealing with some heavy stuff, been quite needy, very cuddly...

School has been rough on him. He has always hated being separated from the family, which has meant he's never gone to bed well. As a toddler, he had to keep up with his big brothers. Now, he assumes he is on par with his older brothers and absolutely refuses to acknowledge that staying up late makes mornings hell on all of us. Here he is, falling asleep while practicing for his spelling test last week...
He's a good, loyal friend....here, he and Eli are getting wild at a Crew game...

And at the same time, he's capable of quite a bit of introspection (and this picture was rotated at one point and now won't rotate again, dagnabbit blogspot)...

Tonight when I came in from yoga, he presented me with a gift: a rose quartz necklace. It seems that after school, he met up with some friends at the public library. On his way there, he stopped at Happy Badger to see if they had any Tynan sized baja jackets. When he got bored at the library, he returned to Happy Badger to browse some more. The woman working asked if he was looking for anything in particular and he said he wanted to get something for me, to help me feel better. She asked him why and he told her I have cancer. Long story short, he decided a rose quartz crystal on a necklace would be appropriate, and offered his his $1. She discounted the necklace by $15 and didn't charge him tax.

How sweet is that...on her part as well as his.

His father shall be stopping in soon with $15. But we won't tell Tynan.

Somehow, he also ended up with a little bag of selenite chips, which supposedly can recharge my huge hunk'o'quartz next to my bed and has something to do with healing. As he told me, "I didn't tell her I don't really believe all that woo-woo, but it can't hurt and it might help, and she was so nice to me..."

This makes up for those days I'm ready to send him overseas to boarding school....

Bedroom Power Alter

Brussels Sprouts

Marinating in Garlic Expressions





Skewered

Grilled (a little charry)

Dinner: Top: White Turkey Chili on brown rice, around to right: roasted mushrooms, baked green beans, roasted "breaded" cauliflower, grilled brussels sprouts. My eyes were a little (a lot) bigger than my stomach. I ate most of the veggies, but very little of the chili, which was also very yummy. Aidan is eating his third HUGE bowl right now.

Food and Pictures

Just some pictures and a little commentary today. Every time I try to upload pictures to blogspot, I'm reminded why it's free.

Today's exercise. Yes, this isn't a picture of me walking, but someone had to take the picture. I was walking along with them.

Tynan's "New American Plate." He's trying. He has found he does better if he focuses on the map and then quizzes us, or answers our questions. Whatever works. He'll know more about geography, too, which is good since geography is so poorly studied in the USA.

Aidan trying to eat veggies.


Nathan creating his plate. Rather reverse proportions.

Nathan's plate before adding the "grows in the ground" stuff.

My "NAP" with food courtesy of Debbie Long. Peanut Pork stuff was awesome and got 5/5 from the family.

Some of the end results of this week's roasted veggies. Tried something new to make them tastier, less boring, more like comfort food, and healthier. I ground flax seed very finely and used that as bread crumbs on the mushrooms and orange cauliflower (what is that...please, please tell me it is a hybrid and not dyed). Top: roasted exotic mushrooms; Left: asparagus with whole garlic cloves and lemon juice; Right: Garlic, oregano, and cauliflower.

Cauliflower with flax seed "breading" heading into the oven.

Asparagus and Garlic right out of the oven.

Mushrooms just out of the oven. They are the best tasting shrooms I've ever eaten. They smelled awesome, even outside of the house. They smelled so wonderful that Tynan was chomping at the bit to eat some, and like them. Even Aidan was going to eat some, thinking they were chicken, until his father said the "M" word. Aidan doesn't eat fungus. Taco Bell, yes, but not fungus. However, I'm thinking the "meatier" ones could be substituted for chicken in some dishes...hehehehehehe.

Mushrooms

Mushrooms before cooking.

More Mushrooms. I also added a pound of baby portabellas. YUM!

I also have Muesli finishing in the oven right now. I just added the honey, vanilla, and cinnamon to thick rolled oats, rye flakes, and almonds (which I ground a little too finely in an effort to save time...should have chopped them the old fashioned way and left the magic bullet alone). Now they sit in the cooling oven until morning.

2 cups old-fashioned or quick-cooking (not instant) rolled oats2/3 cup rye flakes or wheat flakes (see Note)1/3 cup coarsely chopped almonds (1 3/4 ounces)2 tablespoons flaked coconut (sweetened or unsweetened)1/2 cup raisins2 tablespoons honey1/2 teaspoon vanilla extractPinch of cinnamon1/4 cup flaxseeds, ground (optional; see Tip)
1. Preheat oven to 350°F. Coat a baking sheet with cooking spray. Spread oats and rye (or wheat) flakes on the baking sheet. Bake for 10 minutes. Stir in almonds and coconut; bake until the oats are fragrant, about 8 minutes. Turn off the oven. Stir raisins into the muesli.2. Microwave honey for 10 seconds in a glass measuring cup. Stir in vanilla and cinnamon; drizzle over the muesli and stir to coat. Return the muesli to the turned-off warm oven and let cool completely, about 2 hours. Stir in flaxseeds, if using.
Makes 8 servings, about 1/2 cup each.

Tomorrow, Tynan and I will work on his brussels sprouts and cactus leaves. I've also been craving mashed potatoes, so will make some faux mashed potatoes and we'll be trying a new soup this week.

I love weeks when food sounds good, tastes good, I have energy enough to want to cook (even if it is simply roasting veggies and pureeing beans), and I'm not bogged down with grading papers so I have time to cook.

You Are a Child of the Universe...pt. 2

Desiderata is the Latin plural for "desired things."

One definition of "desire" is "the feeling that accompanies and unsatisfied state."

Another definition is "as sense of longing."

These definitions are much deeper than the standard "to want strongly."

I think very few of us actually live enough in the moment so that we aren't, at some level, unsatisfied or aren't living with a sense of longing. I'm not sure that it's even healthy to not be desirous of better circumstances or situations. Something has to keep us moving forward. We can be comfortable with the now, but something has to encourage us to move forward into the future and different circumstances.

There are moments, when I want time to stand still. I wish I could get back those moments, for instance, when a sleepy child would stretch out a sleep-sweaty hand and cup my cheek. Or those first, early years of our marriage when everything the other person did was so wonderful and exciting and perfect. Yet, had we not been forward looking, had we not desired something more, we'd not have worked hard to shape our sleep-soaked child into a young man. We'd have been content with him remaining cute and charming and child-like. We'd not have worked to make our relationship with each other grow, so that in later years, when we actually see the flaws in each other, when we don't always find each other fascinating, we still like each other.

In a recent email exchange with my wonderful sister-in-law, we were discussing aparigraha and our perceptions of ourselves.

She wrote: I’m no longer going to say “where did the time go?” or “I can’t believe [summer/September/your birthday, etc.] has zipped by so quickly.” I often say those things as an excuse for not getting something done, but it stops working after a while, and I think by saying it I’m reinforcing in myself a perception that time is going by too quickly, is too dear, and somehow I’m losing out. It is very hard to live in the moment when you’re busy looking over your shoulder watching it all whiz by....Oh yes, I’m going to stop making excuses for the house being a mess. As in, when someone comes over I’m not even going to refer to the condition of the house. This one takes a lot of effort! I am also not going to wait to have people over until the house is cleaned up. On the other hand, I am still working on keeping just a corner of the house tidy, the part people see when they come in through the garage. Unfortunately, that also includes the kitchen!

For some, keeping a tidy house, staying "on top of things" comes easier than it does for others. My sister-in-law and I are very alike in that we are in the group that find domestic routine quite challenging. We intend to do things, like sweep the kitchen floor or wipe the counters, but we don't ever quite get to it until crisis hits. We have both come a long way in the last decade or so, but we are still faced with challenges.

And this is where tonight's installment of Desiderata comes into play. The stanza I've been focusing on as I've been wending my way through the last 10 days post-chemo and as I have just started getting brave enough to look ahead to surgery and radiation this winter (and allow myself to understand what that means for me) talks about exactly the same thing:

"Beyond a wholesome discipline; Be gentle with yourself."

It's not unusual to use the adjectives "strong" or "weak," "effective" or "ineffective" and on occasion "healthy" in front of the noun "discipline." But it is pretty unusual to use "wholesome" along with "discipline." I like that concept though. We all know people who take discipline too far. In fact, we all know people who are so focused on their self-discipline or on imposing discipline on others that it seems all joy is sucked out of their lives. Of course, there are the others, too. Those who lack discipline to the point that life is chaotic and random.

We all need discipline. Self-discipline. Again, most of us know what we should do. I certainly do. Yet, so many of us beat ourselves up when we don't. Or, worse, we quit striving to do what we know we should do because we haven't yet done it. That pretty well sums my typical approach up. If I miss a day of exercising, I'm more likely to miss the next day, too. If I eat something I shouldn't or go overboard with a less than optimal food, it's harder to do better because I already feel like I've failed. It's an odd psychology. But it's mine, nonetheless. And I need to own it.

I did pretty well with gentle discipline when my kids were young. I need to learn to do the same with myself. I need a wholesome discipline: exercise 5 times a week, New American Plate, rest, recreation, laughter balanced by work for pay, family, and domestic comforts (such as clean clothing, food in the house, clean floors, etc). When I fall short of my goals or under-shoot the ideal, I also need to be gentle with myself. If I don't allow enough time to get in a good walk before it's too late in the evening, instead of berating myself, I need to just go out and do what I do have time for. If I never even make it out the door, I just need to let that go and look forward to the next day's walk. When I load too many comforting carbs on my plate (or worse, go back for more), instead of beating myself up, getting depressed, heading for more carbs--because what does it matter at this point--I need the discipline to reach for something else and the gentleness to remember that each meal is a new opportunity and that maybe I can salvage this one, somewhat. And if not, at least I can focus on how, in the long run, that third plate of chicken and noodles may have tasted good, but now I feel all bloated and logy and lethargic so I'm really not enjoying it. Had I stopped, had an apple instead, I could enjoy the same food tomorrow.

What I desire it to cultivate within myself a wholesome discipline and the ability to be gentle with myself.

And I should probably remember that when it comes to my children, too.

You Are a Child of the Universe...

Crappy week, that's for sure, but a strong and enthusiastic rebound today. Each class got better and better, and I finished feeling strong and effective. With the exception of grading, I'm having a lot of fun teaching this semester. I feel in that respect like I'm on top of my game.

I hate to sound trite and all "cancer has made me realize what is important..."

However, in my effort to reduce stress, I've been making a conscious effort to not take things personally that are not intended as such, which is one reason I'm having such a fun time teaching...I don't take their behaviors and weaknesses personally.

I'm also realizing how much energy I used to (and still do at times) put into getting annoyed. I know I'm not alone in this, but it's becoming much more obvious to me how often people get their knickers in a twist over so very little. For instance, the other night at the soccer fields, I was driving away and stopped to talk to Nathan. I happened to stop behind a parked car. I swear our conversation lasted less than 1.5 minutes...when are you coming home, what time is your game, you don't need to pick up your brother because I'll be back to get him...

The woman I stopped behind about threw a clot she was so annoyed my van was behind her car. That might have been me not too long ago. Really, though, it's not worth the stress getting upset leads to.

In an effort to simplify my life and focus on reducing stress, I've been focusing on these lines from Desiderata:

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
And remember what peace there may be, in silence.
As far as possible without surrender,
Be on good terms with all persons.

In doing so, I've been working on my ability to assume positive intent.

It's much easier to assume positive intent when I don't take people's short-comings personally.

It's much easier to focus and find peace in silence, which doesn't always mean the lack of sound. It can also mean the quietude that comes with being on good terms with others. If I'm on good terms, I'm going to spend less time talking about how annoyed I am and spend more time talking about the goodness in my life, even if that goodness is how quirky my students are. There's a lot more silence in encouragement, even though I make more physical noise doing it, than in criticism. There's a lot more silence in enjoying people.

Yet, it's important to not surrender my boundaries, which is becoming easier the less agitated I am in general. Obviously, if I don't take people's transgressions personally, it's easier to enforce my boundaries. Of course, this could also explain the difficulties my nine year old has been having recently, since we've allowed him to be rather feral until now:)

Waka Waka Waka Waka Waka Waka

Pattie has always known what I need. Way back when we were roommates in college, back before all college students had credit cards, Pattie had one, and because of that, we were able to order our first Walkmans. The real things. They allowed us to more evenly tan...we'd turn over at the end of each side of a cassette tape. When the batteries ran out, our time in the sun was up.

Later, she drove me to my wedding.

After my first stillbirth, she helped me bind my breasts when I just couldn't take it any more (again, I know some of you are thinking, "You should just have asked for the drying shot or ignored it" Remember, until recently, I was shot phobic. And I also produced way more milk than the average person, having been capable of exclusively nursing a 30 lb infant and pumping for another baby for 6 months). Anyway, she was there.

She knows that this most recent round of chemo has sucked and that I'm having a hard time finding my fighting spirit.

When I got home today, I found the most mindful care package:

Pacman oven mitts. Waka waka, baby.
Pacman Band-Aids. Guess what will be put over my port puncture next infusion? Oh, yeh.

My fighting spirit is increasing. I'll be in fighting trim here soon.

Thanks, Pattie!