New hat

Diana B, an internet friend, made and sent this hat to me. It just happens to be some of my favorite colors:) When I opened the box today, I was actually saddened that I'd have to wait for a while before it got cold enough to wear it, but tonight, after sundown, it was actually chilly enough to wear it! I know it's still August and normally it's sweltering right now, but we are having a cold snap. I'm hoping to be able to wear Marti's hat tomorrow night for my evening walk with Katie and Mosa (the cutest puppy this side of town).

Henna Tatt on Head

Amy did henna on my head this afternoon.

I sort of combined two different symbols...the spiral and the Triskele. I've always been drawn toward spirals. I find them very symbolic of life...we keep passing the same places but in different spaces. The Triskele is a symbol of Female Power--Maiden, Mother, Crone--ripped off by the early Christians and morphed into the Trinity, stripping the power from women and indiginous beliefs as well. As I'm in the third phase of womanhood at this point, I find it quite a meaningful symbol.

According to fantasy-ireland.com (the name makes me shudder):

The patterns of life are like the spiral, starting at the center and moving ever outward. Our lives wind back around our center, yet never return to exactly the same place. It can represent serenity, with fluid, gentle lines; or it can represent chaos and madness with dizzying, confusing linear patterns.

The Triskele

Courtesy ofBradley W. Schenck The triskele, otherwise known as the triskelion, is a three-pronged spiral, and is often used as a basis for more complex spirals. Some suggest ancient Celtic triskeles represented the Triple Goddess of the three ages of womanhood. It later came to represent the Holy Trinity in Christianity - God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Whatever its meaning, it is interesting that the motif is based around the number 3 - regarded as a highly sacred number in many ancient cultures.

The Spiral of LifeThe tri-spiral, otherwise known as the "Spiral of Life", is found on many ancient Irish stone carvings - the most famous of which is Newgrange, found in County Meath, Ireland, which dates back to 2500 BC.
Most scholars believe the spiral of life represents the cycle of life, death, and rebirth. Others say this deeply mystical symbol represents the male, female, and child on the path of life. Another interpretation is that it also represents the Triple Goddess.

...belief that the triple spiral of life represents the Eternal Truth, that the meaning of life is to find harmony between the three dimensions of our existence.

Scarves and Hats

I'm really not clothing conscious much at all. Perhaps slightly moreso now that I had to replace the bulk of my wardrobe in recent weeks, but really I don't put much energy into dressing myself or accessorizing. In fact, I had to look up how to spell accessorize.


However, I am enjoying building a collection of headwear. I'm having almost as much fun as I did building wardrobes for my babies. And, I'm finding I'm having to be careful not to over spend, which would be easy to do. The chemo-headwear industry is much larger than I'd ever imagined. Truthfully, I'd never really imagined it, so that statement is somewhat false. But it is a large industry and there's some cool stuff out there to be had.

One of my favorite head coverings so far, is the t-shirt wrap. It's simple, easy, stays on, and breathes (a quality I'm finding very important). Here's a picture of the wraps I've made so far out of the bottom 2/3 of soft t-shirts. I'd like a more brightly colored tie-dyed one, but fear I'll have to wait until a child makes me one at the Black Swamp Arts Festival. I haven't been lucky finding any the correct size (adult M) at Goodwill. The only problem with this style wrap is that all the good pictures or writing on shirts is up too high and wouldn't show up on my head. For instance, Aidan has a tshirt that says "Jamaican Bobsled Team." I'd enjoy wearing that across my head, but it wouldn't show up. Or we have all these old "Bombers" shirts that I'd wear to games, if the logo would actually end up on my head. Alas, 'tis not to be.


Then there are the actual scarves. Fun. Very colorful. So far, all I have are rectangular ones, which I've learned to tie, but which have their own weaknesses as well as strengths. Unique and classy is a definite strength. They can be tied tightly, which is another strength. But they tend to be bulky or tricky to get on. Weakness. The larger ones are bulky. And the smaller ones don't get good coverage. Worn together, they look awesome.

What a lot of women wear are "faux scarves." I don't remember what the catalogs call them, but they are things designed to look like scarves, but they really are just fancy do-rags. They are probably more comfortable than real scarves, and clearly are more convenient. This is where the market/industry for headwear is exploding. Gazillions of places to buy stuff like this. So far, my faves are some a friend sent me, very simple things, with a little elastic in the back and gathers with small tails that don't necessarily need to be tied. Very light weight and comfortable. I bought a few more expensive ones and, wow, they seem bulky in comparison. Supposedly, the extra bulk makes it look like the wearer has hair...but we all know the truth. With the exception of the religiously conservative, who would wear this if they had hair?

Then there are hats. I have the ultimate bucket hat...with so much head coverage that I can barely see when I wear it. I need a broach or something to pin back the brim, or I'll spend my days walking into things. And the newsboy style. My friend Mary gave me those, remnants from her hair-free chemo days. Tynan loves them and I have to fight him for them. Clearly an awesome option for jeans and tshirt days (which is my typical uniform).

Finally, the toboggan hat style. There are lots of options for sale, and oddly, most have three seams. I tried one of those yesterday and felt each individual seam rubbing on my head. Perhaps when I'm more used to being hair-free I won't? Meanwhile, I'm excited for the two knit ones I have. One, knit by Marti, is of the softest, most awesome hand spun yarn. I can't wait until it is chillier to wear it (actually, it'd probably be cool enough today in the shade). I've never enjoyed this particular style of hat, because I hate how it interacts with my hair. No hair; problem solved!!!

So, now, off to mix some henna so it can sit for 24 hours...pictures of that tomorrow...

Starting to get psyched for next week...round 2

Have some fun; click on the links:)

I am a warrior.

I am not my hair.

I am a superhero.

I am strong like an ocean.

I am mad as hell and not going to take it.

I am beating this.

I am a survivor.

I will be alright.

Trying out Casey

Hair Today; Gone Today

Day 15 post infusion #1, I mentioned on Facebook that I was surprised my hair was hanging in there...the chemo nurse said it would start falling out on Day 10. I wondered if the fall would cooperate and happen over a weekend so I'd have some time to get used to it before I had to teach.

Yesterday, Day 16, I noticed, when I scrunched it up after my shower, that I had a few hairs on my hands. Later in the day, sitting outside Meijer with Amy, I gave it a gentle tug and got more than a few hairs. I knew the fall was beginning. This morning...well....I posted a picture of what I got when I gave it a tug....quite a few hairs in my hand.

This afternoon, Amy came over and first used the clippers, then used a razor and took it all off. It was fun, and I know she loves me because she can't stand unattached hair any more than I can.

Oddly, it is quite liberating. My scalp feels smooth and sort of numb...I think because I don't feel the hair when I rub my head.

I have a modest collection of scarves and hats, and I'm anxious to wear them. I can't wait to collect more. I'm also thinking that I'll be going out in public without anything on. It just feels so good.

Hair in Hand

Don't know if you'll be able to see this clearly....it's a handful of hair

Awkward

It's awkward to know what to say to people who don't know of the recent turn of events in my life (how's that for euphemistic?).

For instance, at a soccer game Thursday, no one immediately noticed my short hair because I was wearing my not-so-cool-not-very-soccer-mom hat. Finally, one mom noticed and then asked me why I'd decided to cut it now. Talk about a bucket of ice water when I answered. Fortunately, what could have been a very, very awkward situation ended up being quite a supportive conversation. Still, with all the gossipy people in my life, the soccer sideline is probably the least gossipy place, and it would just be easier if everyone already knew.


Then, today, I was doing some homeschool assessments at the BG (s)mall. I only see these people once a year, for an hour at the most. My appearance has changed since I last saw these two families. In fact, I'm looking good right now. I've lost quite a bit of weight (maybe 20-25 lbs), of course my hair is different, which I think makes me look younger, at least it has in the recent good days. The one woman today kept raving about how good I look, how I make her feel like doing a make over, how I was inspiring her...there was really nothing good to say to all of that but "Thank you."


I mean, "Well, cancer does wonders..." seems a little heartless and rude. And really, I won't see this person until this time next year. Won't communicate with her at all, in all likelihood.


It's awkward situations like this that make me dread the first week or two of school.

Seeing the world through...

One of the common side effects of chemo is sensitivity to light. I've never been one to wear sunglasses. Since getting contacts last winter, I've noticed that the sun, or rather glare, bothers me more. In fact, I've bought several pairs of sunglasses, yet haven't worn any pair more than a handful of times before losing or breaking them. I have a pair in each car, but they are always so filthy that I don't want to wear them. However, I noticed Monday, when I was out and still feeling chemo fuzzy, that the sunlight was brutal. I could feel each UVA and UVB ray penetrating my skin, and it felt like needles were piercing my eyeballs.

Hmmmm....that's a little exaggeration. But I definitely felt (traditionally) vampirish.

So, when I was in WalMart (being stalked by the incredible puking child), I snatched a pair of sunglasses. Due to previously mentioned child and day-before-school-starts WalMart madness, I didn't try them on. I just grabbed a pair marked $5, figuring that I could always find something I liked better when I felt better, and headed home to the couch.

I'd slept incredibly poorly Monday night and was really dragging Tuesday afternoon, but following the advice of friends, I forced myself to do something. I rode my bike to Kroger. It was unnaturally quiet in the neighborhood. The sun was high. The atmosphere was heavy. I felt weak and hot flashy. Add it all together and reality just seemed different than "before." To top if all off, I realized my vision was different. Things were just not quite focused. Colors seemed unnatural. At one point, I thought, "I feel like I'm in an episode of Twilight Zone."

I did my little bit of shopping, and I did think to notice that, while I still felt weary and sort of fuzzy in the head, things seemed to be normally colored, if out of focus, which made me think perhaps I needed protein enzyme for my contacts, which I picked up.

Outside of Kroger, I load my bike bags with my produce, situate my water bottle and Bagallini in my front basket, preparing for the ride home and notice that it's not quite so Twilight Zone-ish.

However, putting on my sunglasses, things suddenly changed.

Yep, those sunglasses? They were amber tinted. Everything did look different because it was all amber tinted. It was the cheap glasses, not me at all.

And the protein enzyme has fixed the focus problem.

At least I can laugh at myself.

The Meaning of 20

All of us who teach at BGSU, especially those of us whose salary never seems to be quite enough to get us through the month, are always well aware of the 20th of any given month. That's when we get paid. Yes, we only get paid once a month. You'd think my family would handle this situation better, seeing as it's been part of our lives for 21 years now. But still, the 20th of the month still makes me feel like a kid getting an allowance. Therefore, in general, the 20th of any given month should be auspicious. It should be a happy day. And, for the most part, it is. And we are all alway aware that it's the 20th.

Yet is seems statistically improbable that the 20th should also have garnered so much attention from me for other reasons as well.

Tynan's birthday is on the 20th. That's a good thing.

On that day I got the homebirth that I'd wanted and worked so hard for. Good Thing.

That good thing was tempered by the fact that 6 years prior to Tynan's birth, his sister was stillborn on the exact same day (for those of you for whom numbers cause confusion, that would also be the 20th). On the bright side, the birth experience was good and was a vbac. So, good mixed with horrible.

My mother called me to tell me she had incurable heart disease that would most likely kill her on the 20th (and while it did, she survived for three time longer than ever suspected).

We got the results of our first still born son's autopsy on the 20th and the memorial service for him was on the 20th of a different month. And we also met with the geneticist who reviewed his case on the 20th. Neither good nor bad, but quite emotional, all three.

I was initially diagnosed with cancer on the 20th. I suppose that's both good and bad...while it wasn't fun to hear, better diagnosed than not.

Yet, I hereby declare that the 20th be saved for pay day only for a long time.