After a great exercise experience last Sunday, I just couldn't motivate to do much of anything this past week. I got up late every morning. couldn't bring myself to even walk up the steps to my classrooms. In fact, I found one flight of steps very tiring. I did drag myself to yoga Wednesday night, but that doesn't really count as exercise. It's a beginner class, after all. It did feel good to get a good stretch and I felt all in line and balanced afterward, yet it's not strenuous at all. I'm not sure it counts as 75 minutes of exercise, especially since I live for Savasana and weekly contemplate just lying in Savasana and imagining doing all the poses.
Now I know that I was "sick" this week, because of this darn infected finger (which is improving, but slowly). I had a fever when I went to the doctor on Thursday and was still running one on Friday, so I imagine that I probably had one on Wednesday and maybe even as early as Monday or Tuesday. Today is the first day I've felt myself (or what passes as myself these days).
Tonight, I dragged Tynan out for a walk with me. We walked from our house to the Barbee's house, where we dropped off some Tupperware (if you care to know, they live across the street from where we lived on Evers a few years ago), to City Park and around it two times, up to the corner of Conneaut and Haskins, over to Poe, took a detour to go around Darlyn, and then continues on Poe to N. Prospect, and then home. According to my (uncalibrated) pedometer, that's a titch over 3.7 miles. or a titch over 7900 steps in an hour and 20 minutes, give or take. Tynan only whined the last mile or so.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Smack Down Sucks
Although it sucks a lot less now than it has in the past, thanks to better living through chemistry, there are still a lot of things that suck about chemo.
Of course, there's the hair falling out, the nausea, overall feelings of illness, fatigue, bowl issues, mouth sores, taste changes, hot flashes, perpetual chills, neuropathy, muscle aches, increased appetite, loss of appetite, mood swings...have I missed anything?
Oh, yeh, hair doesn't grow, doesn't grow as fast if it does grow, and the same can be said for nails.
Remember the uber-finger owie from a while back? The nail I ripped off folding towels? Well, I also tore another nail at the same time, only not so seriously, or so I thought. It didn't hurt, didn't bleed. I ignored it.
However, last weekend, it became apparent that it had torn into a hangnail and was infected. Normally, no big deal. Give it a few days, it would grow out. I'd trim it. Problem resolved.
Only, when your nails aren't growing and your immune system is suppressed, a simple hangnail does become a problem.
So here I sit, feverish, smacked down, and on antibiotics for 10 days.
Hopefully, this won't get in the way of next week's chemo.
The only thing worse than getting chemo is not getting chemo.
Smacked down by a hangnail. Go figure.
Of course, there's the hair falling out, the nausea, overall feelings of illness, fatigue, bowl issues, mouth sores, taste changes, hot flashes, perpetual chills, neuropathy, muscle aches, increased appetite, loss of appetite, mood swings...have I missed anything?
Oh, yeh, hair doesn't grow, doesn't grow as fast if it does grow, and the same can be said for nails.
Remember the uber-finger owie from a while back? The nail I ripped off folding towels? Well, I also tore another nail at the same time, only not so seriously, or so I thought. It didn't hurt, didn't bleed. I ignored it.
However, last weekend, it became apparent that it had torn into a hangnail and was infected. Normally, no big deal. Give it a few days, it would grow out. I'd trim it. Problem resolved.
Only, when your nails aren't growing and your immune system is suppressed, a simple hangnail does become a problem.
So here I sit, feverish, smacked down, and on antibiotics for 10 days.
Hopefully, this won't get in the way of next week's chemo.
The only thing worse than getting chemo is not getting chemo.
Smacked down by a hangnail. Go figure.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Spread the Word
It's no secret that I love the NPR series This I Believe. I've enjoyed exploring the This I Believe data base over the past few years. For several years, I've enjoyed helping students write "This I Believe" essays. I've enjoyed reading my students' "This I Believe" essays.
What I really like about the essays isn't that they are all especially well written. Some aren't. Yet, they all touch on our shared humanity, shared basic truths that many of us lose sight of in our daily lives.
One of those basic truths is that good is just as communicable as evil. We just pay more attention to evil and bad news. Norman Corwin nails this in his essay by the same title, "Good Can Be as Communicable as Evil," when he writes, "So long as conscionable and caring people are around, so long as they are not muted or exiled, so long as they remain alert in thought and action, there is a chance for contagions of the right stuff..." What I especially like about this is that he places the onus of goodness on all of us...those who do not mute others as well as those who need to remain alert in thought and action. That's all of us.
Since late July, when I first started this journey, I've witnessed and been the recipient of an incredible amount of goodness. Friendships have deepened. I've seen what could be, and it is wonderful. The goodness of individuals may not solve all the world's woes. Evil and badness is still out there. The tragedy of Darfur will still exist. But we can all make the day-to-day lives of other people, no matter how bad the larger circumstances are, better by doing what we all know we should do.
And we all know what we should do. We all know we should help the little old lady across the street, so to speak. Some of those acts of kindness may be truly random. Others, not so much. They may require some planning and intention on our part. When it comes to goodness, procrastination doesn't work so well. I'm probably the worst when it comes to this. And I've missed my opportunity more than once. Ultimately though, we should all put others first more often.
What is "good" that doesn't happen? Is the net effect neutral? I think not, because the effect of goodness is so much greater than nothing. And when we pass Good on to others, they are more likely to pay it forward, allowing it to grow exponentially.
The economy might stink. We might all be bringing home less money and paying more for insurance, groceries, and utilities, maybe, just maybe, we could all feel a little better, more appreciated, more cared for, not so alone.
I know that being the recipient of goodness over the last 9 or so weeks has made a huge difference in my life.
What I really like about the essays isn't that they are all especially well written. Some aren't. Yet, they all touch on our shared humanity, shared basic truths that many of us lose sight of in our daily lives.
One of those basic truths is that good is just as communicable as evil. We just pay more attention to evil and bad news. Norman Corwin nails this in his essay by the same title, "Good Can Be as Communicable as Evil," when he writes, "So long as conscionable and caring people are around, so long as they are not muted or exiled, so long as they remain alert in thought and action, there is a chance for contagions of the right stuff..." What I especially like about this is that he places the onus of goodness on all of us...those who do not mute others as well as those who need to remain alert in thought and action. That's all of us.
Since late July, when I first started this journey, I've witnessed and been the recipient of an incredible amount of goodness. Friendships have deepened. I've seen what could be, and it is wonderful. The goodness of individuals may not solve all the world's woes. Evil and badness is still out there. The tragedy of Darfur will still exist. But we can all make the day-to-day lives of other people, no matter how bad the larger circumstances are, better by doing what we all know we should do.
And we all know what we should do. We all know we should help the little old lady across the street, so to speak. Some of those acts of kindness may be truly random. Others, not so much. They may require some planning and intention on our part. When it comes to goodness, procrastination doesn't work so well. I'm probably the worst when it comes to this. And I've missed my opportunity more than once. Ultimately though, we should all put others first more often.
What is "good" that doesn't happen? Is the net effect neutral? I think not, because the effect of goodness is so much greater than nothing. And when we pass Good on to others, they are more likely to pay it forward, allowing it to grow exponentially.
The economy might stink. We might all be bringing home less money and paying more for insurance, groceries, and utilities, maybe, just maybe, we could all feel a little better, more appreciated, more cared for, not so alone.
I know that being the recipient of goodness over the last 9 or so weeks has made a huge difference in my life.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
3.5 miles, wrist weights, 60 minutes
approx. 7K steps.
The walk to and from Kroger = approx 1.0 mile = approx 2K steps
cooking and moving around the house maybe .5 mile over the course of the day?
almost 10k steps on day one. And a Sunday, to boot, a day I normally don't do much.
I'm pleased.
The walk to and from Kroger = approx 1.0 mile = approx 2K steps
cooking and moving around the house maybe .5 mile over the course of the day?
almost 10k steps on day one. And a Sunday, to boot, a day I normally don't do much.
I'm pleased.
Today's Battle
Editing pictures in blogger easily eludes me. These uploaded in revers order. So bear with me, please.
"New American Plate", more or less:
Roasted Veggies for the week:
Pesto roasted summer squash, zucchini, and sweet onion:
Roasted Beets:
Roasted Yams, Sweet Potatoes, and 5 kinds of winter squash:
More summer squash and asparagus
Winter Squash in the oven (the parchment paper makes clean up a breeze):
Veggies in their natural format:
"New American Plate", more or less:
Roasted Veggies for the week:
Pesto roasted summer squash, zucchini, and sweet onion:
Roasted Beets:
Dill Roasted Carrots, Daikon, Turnip, and Parsnip:
Roasted yellow cauliflower and asparagus:
Roasted Yams, Sweet Potatoes, and 5 kinds of winter squash:
More summer squash and asparagus
Winter Squash in the oven (the parchment paper makes clean up a breeze):
Veggies in their natural format:
Avoid the Suck: Public Service Announcement
Cancer sucks.
Other things suck worse, I'm sure. It's all in your perspective, but cancer must be in the Top 10 of suck.
And here's the thing: no matter what you do or don't do, you can't prevent cancer from happening.
Sure, you can decrease your risk. And there are behaviors that clearly increase your risk. But you can't stop it.
With the exception of a few specific cancers, family history also is no guarantee or protection. Nor is it, again with the exception of a few specific cancers, a guarantee you will get cancer...even if every person in your family has died of cancer for the last three generations.
Let's face it, we live in a toxic environment. We live toxic lives. Humans have not evolved to be as sedentary as we are. I was mulling this over this morning when I was walking home from Kroger. At one point in history, not too long ago, it wouldn't have crossed people's minds to drive from my house to Kroger. According to Mapquest, it's about a .7 mile walk, but I'm thinking it's more like .5 mi if you cut through parking lots. As much as I love my computer, I really think computers and our attraction to them are killing us by keeping us on our butts.
I won't even begin to discuss fast food and other food atrocities and how those are killing us. In general, the average USAmerican diet, on top of our sedentary lives, is contributing to the death knell in the US.
By 2020, global cancer rates are projected to increase by 50%. For some, just living in the USA increases their rate of cancer. According to a NYTimes article, Hispanics who move to the USA get more of certain cancers than those who don't.
However, there is good news. We know certain behaviors decrease the risk of cancer. They don't guarantee anything, but they do make the odds better. Also, if you do happen to get cancer, these behaviors increase your chances of survival. Plus, as I'm learning, they also make the "Cancer Suck" less sucky. And, they aren't that big of a deal to do, although they are easy to whine about and make excuses for.
1) Get more exercise. Anything is better than nothing. I'm not talking here to the people who already go and flail about in the gym on a regular basis. I'm talking to the rest of us. Some of us whom hate exercise on principle. It does seem like a worthless endeavor to drive somewhere to trot on a treadmill. I've tried that...joined gyms, Curves (what a fiasco that was), the Student Rec Center. It was all wasted money. I'm good for about three months. Then I'm good at making excuses for about 9 months, until my membership lapses.
The current anti-cancer lifestyle recommendation for excercise is one hour, five times a week. Uh, yeh. I work. I have kids. I don't have time. I have papers to grade. I have a house to clean. I have to get kids to activities. I don't have, in essence, an hour a day to devote to exercise. I've said it all. I've honestly believed it all. Until I started spending 5 hours at the infusion center getting chemo. And then 10 days after that feeling like crap. And I'll be spending at least an hour a day, for eight weeks, getting radiation. I spend many, many hours going to doctor appointments, and even more hours wiped out and sitting on the couch or lying in bed most days.
So, really, I do have an hour a day to exercise, especially since it doesn't all have to be done at the same time. If I would work exercise into my daily life activities, it would be less than an hour a day. I got, what, 20 minutes in walking to Kroger? I could get 20 minutes in walking to work? If I move my butt while vaccuming, I could get time in? Vigorous mopping? I can at least knock out 10 minutes. A leisurly stroll to campus won't do a whole lot, but if I hoof it...it's all about getting the arms and heart going. The time I spend in waiting rooms alone has shown me I really do have time to exercise. So, today, I finally broke out the pedometer I bought a while back. I'm devoted to getting 10,000 steps a day. I'm fortunate in that a pedometer really motivates me. So did gold stars and charts in school.
Won't you join me? Maybe 10,000 is too much to start. Try wearing a pedometer for a week or so. Don't make any other changes. Daily, record the number of steps you take. Find the average. Try adding 1,000 to that at first. Or 500. And then increase the number weekly. I'm telling you, walking, even in circles around an indoor track or on a treadmill, as boring and pointless as that seems, is no where near as boring and pointless as sitting in an infusion center for hours on end. I promise you that.
2) Most people...not all...but most people in the USA could stand to improve their diets. I happen to have an odd demographic of friends who tend to be more diet conscious than most, but still, I would guess that most of my friends don't get 10 servings of vegetables a day. Yes, you read that correctly: 10 servings. Five is the current "healthy" recommendations. But 10 or more is ideal.
TEN!
However, all is not lost. These are ten healthy size portions, not USAmerican fast food size portions. When I make a salad for lunch, I get 3-5 servings of leafy greens, depending on how hungry I am. A cup of greens isn't much. A cup of broccoli added to it isn't that much. The secret, I'm finding, is to eat the vegetables first, while I'm hungry. Calling the boys to the table before the main course was out of the oven and letting them sit there with veggies on the table always ensured that they would at least pick at the veggies. Why I've never thought about that for me is something else.
The reason fast food is so appealing is because it is there, ready, fast and requires no work on our part, right? Now, I know this isn't rocket science and it's also part of every diet book and article out there, but having fruits and veggies fixed and prepared in the house at all times increases how much I eat. Duh. If there is fruit on the table, I'm less likely to grab something refined and carby, as well. Having veggies that are tastey and ready to eat in the fridge means I'll take them to school to snack on between classes. Once again, duh. Why it took my current situation to actually act on this is beyond me. Oh, yeh, I have to do this to save my life. Amazing what I'll actually do to increase my chances of living to see my youngest get a driver's license.
Once again, I really don't have time for this. I have to do school work, beat down the weekly laundry monster, do stuff with the kids and my husband.
Today, as I was working on this blog entry, I was also roasting a ridiculous amount of vegetables. I also did 3 loads of laundry and spent quite a bit of time working on school stuff. So, I do have the time. I just have to make it a priority. Not to mention, that going out to buy the ridiculous amount of veggies resulted in a mile of walking, not counting the steps while in the store shopping! Double whammy.
So, if I can do this, others out there can. I really love you all too much to think of you going through what I'm going through right now. If you don't do it for yourself, do it for your family and friends, because cancer doesn't just affect you. It affects everyone around you.
3) While you are thinking about vegetables, let's talk about color. Most of us eat what we like. And when it comes to veggies, we don't stray far from our comfort zones. While we are thinking about ways to get 10 servings of mostly veggies into our days, let's also work on making those servings colorful. Colorful fruits and veggies contain more antioxidents. Anti-oxidents fight cancer. Variety is the spice of life, and variety can help protect my life, so my family is making that stretch. Plus, it is just easy to think "colorful" veggies instead of "what" veggies and fruit.
4) While I am striving to be more mindful of many things in life right now, sometimes life itself is overwhelming. Whether it is thinking about my students or my children, feeling like crap, worrying about blood counts, having the energy to do what needs to be done, or seeing the bills starting to come in, life is overwhelming for my entire family. It's not going to be much better in the near future, either. So, in some areas, the less I have to think about, the better. That's why I'm falling in love with the concept of the New American Plate. It's so easy. It's practically mindless. Fill 2/3 or more of your plate with healthy veggies. 1/3 or less with animal protein. An alternative, for people like me who feel better if they reduce (processed) carbs: 1/2 or more veggies, 1/4 or less carbs, 1/4 or less animal protein. Add 1 serving of fruit on the side, and you have an awesom meal. To make it even more mindless for my family, I'm buying special (yet not expensive) plates we can all use as reminders. I can get five plates for less than the cost of feeding my family fast food twice. I don't need to serve my guests on these plates. I just need to train my family to use the plates. Easier said than done, but right now, even my carb-o-holic-anti-anything-that-grows-in-the-ground child is willing to alter his diet. He sort of likes his hair, you know?
So think about it, 1/2-2/3 plant-based, which isn't that hard if you are eating 10 servings of fruits and veggies each day.
So, what are you doing to improve your lifestyle? Who's up the the challenge with me?
There was a lot of my previous lifestyle that was less than ideal. In fact, some might say that I brought this on myself. And to a certain degree, that is probably accurate.
But since I've already taken the hit and am spending a year in suck, I'd like the rest of you to do what you can to avoid the suck.
Other things suck worse, I'm sure. It's all in your perspective, but cancer must be in the Top 10 of suck.
And here's the thing: no matter what you do or don't do, you can't prevent cancer from happening.
Sure, you can decrease your risk. And there are behaviors that clearly increase your risk. But you can't stop it.
With the exception of a few specific cancers, family history also is no guarantee or protection. Nor is it, again with the exception of a few specific cancers, a guarantee you will get cancer...even if every person in your family has died of cancer for the last three generations.
Let's face it, we live in a toxic environment. We live toxic lives. Humans have not evolved to be as sedentary as we are. I was mulling this over this morning when I was walking home from Kroger. At one point in history, not too long ago, it wouldn't have crossed people's minds to drive from my house to Kroger. According to Mapquest, it's about a .7 mile walk, but I'm thinking it's more like .5 mi if you cut through parking lots. As much as I love my computer, I really think computers and our attraction to them are killing us by keeping us on our butts.
I won't even begin to discuss fast food and other food atrocities and how those are killing us. In general, the average USAmerican diet, on top of our sedentary lives, is contributing to the death knell in the US.
By 2020, global cancer rates are projected to increase by 50%. For some, just living in the USA increases their rate of cancer. According to a NYTimes article, Hispanics who move to the USA get more of certain cancers than those who don't.
However, there is good news. We know certain behaviors decrease the risk of cancer. They don't guarantee anything, but they do make the odds better. Also, if you do happen to get cancer, these behaviors increase your chances of survival. Plus, as I'm learning, they also make the "Cancer Suck" less sucky. And, they aren't that big of a deal to do, although they are easy to whine about and make excuses for.
1) Get more exercise. Anything is better than nothing. I'm not talking here to the people who already go and flail about in the gym on a regular basis. I'm talking to the rest of us. Some of us whom hate exercise on principle. It does seem like a worthless endeavor to drive somewhere to trot on a treadmill. I've tried that...joined gyms, Curves (what a fiasco that was), the Student Rec Center. It was all wasted money. I'm good for about three months. Then I'm good at making excuses for about 9 months, until my membership lapses.
The current anti-cancer lifestyle recommendation for excercise is one hour, five times a week. Uh, yeh. I work. I have kids. I don't have time. I have papers to grade. I have a house to clean. I have to get kids to activities. I don't have, in essence, an hour a day to devote to exercise. I've said it all. I've honestly believed it all. Until I started spending 5 hours at the infusion center getting chemo. And then 10 days after that feeling like crap. And I'll be spending at least an hour a day, for eight weeks, getting radiation. I spend many, many hours going to doctor appointments, and even more hours wiped out and sitting on the couch or lying in bed most days.
So, really, I do have an hour a day to exercise, especially since it doesn't all have to be done at the same time. If I would work exercise into my daily life activities, it would be less than an hour a day. I got, what, 20 minutes in walking to Kroger? I could get 20 minutes in walking to work? If I move my butt while vaccuming, I could get time in? Vigorous mopping? I can at least knock out 10 minutes. A leisurly stroll to campus won't do a whole lot, but if I hoof it...it's all about getting the arms and heart going. The time I spend in waiting rooms alone has shown me I really do have time to exercise. So, today, I finally broke out the pedometer I bought a while back. I'm devoted to getting 10,000 steps a day. I'm fortunate in that a pedometer really motivates me. So did gold stars and charts in school.
Won't you join me? Maybe 10,000 is too much to start. Try wearing a pedometer for a week or so. Don't make any other changes. Daily, record the number of steps you take. Find the average. Try adding 1,000 to that at first. Or 500. And then increase the number weekly. I'm telling you, walking, even in circles around an indoor track or on a treadmill, as boring and pointless as that seems, is no where near as boring and pointless as sitting in an infusion center for hours on end. I promise you that.
2) Most people...not all...but most people in the USA could stand to improve their diets. I happen to have an odd demographic of friends who tend to be more diet conscious than most, but still, I would guess that most of my friends don't get 10 servings of vegetables a day. Yes, you read that correctly: 10 servings. Five is the current "healthy" recommendations. But 10 or more is ideal.
TEN!
However, all is not lost. These are ten healthy size portions, not USAmerican fast food size portions. When I make a salad for lunch, I get 3-5 servings of leafy greens, depending on how hungry I am. A cup of greens isn't much. A cup of broccoli added to it isn't that much. The secret, I'm finding, is to eat the vegetables first, while I'm hungry. Calling the boys to the table before the main course was out of the oven and letting them sit there with veggies on the table always ensured that they would at least pick at the veggies. Why I've never thought about that for me is something else.
The reason fast food is so appealing is because it is there, ready, fast and requires no work on our part, right? Now, I know this isn't rocket science and it's also part of every diet book and article out there, but having fruits and veggies fixed and prepared in the house at all times increases how much I eat. Duh. If there is fruit on the table, I'm less likely to grab something refined and carby, as well. Having veggies that are tastey and ready to eat in the fridge means I'll take them to school to snack on between classes. Once again, duh. Why it took my current situation to actually act on this is beyond me. Oh, yeh, I have to do this to save my life. Amazing what I'll actually do to increase my chances of living to see my youngest get a driver's license.
Once again, I really don't have time for this. I have to do school work, beat down the weekly laundry monster, do stuff with the kids and my husband.
Today, as I was working on this blog entry, I was also roasting a ridiculous amount of vegetables. I also did 3 loads of laundry and spent quite a bit of time working on school stuff. So, I do have the time. I just have to make it a priority. Not to mention, that going out to buy the ridiculous amount of veggies resulted in a mile of walking, not counting the steps while in the store shopping! Double whammy.
So, if I can do this, others out there can. I really love you all too much to think of you going through what I'm going through right now. If you don't do it for yourself, do it for your family and friends, because cancer doesn't just affect you. It affects everyone around you.
3) While you are thinking about vegetables, let's talk about color. Most of us eat what we like. And when it comes to veggies, we don't stray far from our comfort zones. While we are thinking about ways to get 10 servings of mostly veggies into our days, let's also work on making those servings colorful. Colorful fruits and veggies contain more antioxidents. Anti-oxidents fight cancer. Variety is the spice of life, and variety can help protect my life, so my family is making that stretch. Plus, it is just easy to think "colorful" veggies instead of "what" veggies and fruit.
4) While I am striving to be more mindful of many things in life right now, sometimes life itself is overwhelming. Whether it is thinking about my students or my children, feeling like crap, worrying about blood counts, having the energy to do what needs to be done, or seeing the bills starting to come in, life is overwhelming for my entire family. It's not going to be much better in the near future, either. So, in some areas, the less I have to think about, the better. That's why I'm falling in love with the concept of the New American Plate. It's so easy. It's practically mindless. Fill 2/3 or more of your plate with healthy veggies. 1/3 or less with animal protein. An alternative, for people like me who feel better if they reduce (processed) carbs: 1/2 or more veggies, 1/4 or less carbs, 1/4 or less animal protein. Add 1 serving of fruit on the side, and you have an awesom meal. To make it even more mindless for my family, I'm buying special (yet not expensive) plates we can all use as reminders. I can get five plates for less than the cost of feeding my family fast food twice. I don't need to serve my guests on these plates. I just need to train my family to use the plates. Easier said than done, but right now, even my carb-o-holic-anti-anything-that-grows-in-the-ground child is willing to alter his diet. He sort of likes his hair, you know?
So think about it, 1/2-2/3 plant-based, which isn't that hard if you are eating 10 servings of fruits and veggies each day.
So, what are you doing to improve your lifestyle? Who's up the the challenge with me?
There was a lot of my previous lifestyle that was less than ideal. In fact, some might say that I brought this on myself. And to a certain degree, that is probably accurate.
But since I've already taken the hit and am spending a year in suck, I'd like the rest of you to do what you can to avoid the suck.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Bad News of the Best Sort
We met with the plastic surgeon, Dr. Welch, on Friday. There was ever so much to discuss. And discuss we did.
For starters, I love Dr. Welch's Physician's Assistant. I've blanked on her name. I'm horrible with names under the best of circumstances, but lately, chemo brain has made my ability to even remember what people look like worse than normal. My ability to grasp names is much worse than normal. In fact, I worry about my ability to function normally in the future.
The PA took my history. I'm a slow learner, but I have finally figured out that instead of tediously copying down all the supplements I take, I could just give the doctors a copy of the list. The chemo has been highly effective so far, as discussed earlier, and for that I'm thankful. However, I think at least some of the success has to be due to the incredible research Katherine in Atlanta has done, and the regime of supplements she developed for me, which I take on a semi-religious basis. When the PA saw my list, she was quite impressed by the cutting edge nature of it. In fact, recently, I skimmed the book (which I highly recommend for all who would like to reduce the incredible odds of getting cancer--just living in the USA increases your risk these days) Anti-Cancer by Dr. David Servan-Schreiber and noticed that Kat in Atl's list of supplements is very similar to what he recommends. While none of my other doctors have pooh-poohed my supplements, neither have any of them actively encouraged their use. Her affirmation set a very positive tone.
Dr. Welch is the epitome of energetic. Ever seen an electrical arc? That's her. She burst through the door of the room, and bam, we were talking. After carefully talking through how my philosophical tendency would be to use my own tissue for reconstruction, she was also very considerate of my concerns regarding recuperation times, the effect on my family of such major surgery (10-15 hours), and danger of a 6-8 day hospital stay with drains in my body (ideal entry for MRSA). Who has a planned stay in the hospital of 6-8 days any more? Not to mention a difficult 8-10 week recovery. We also discussed the pros and cons of implants, current research on implants, her experiences with implants, as well as procedures, recovery, and risks.
All of these decisions and her job as an artist of flesh is compounded by the fact that the left side of my chest will be radiated for 8 weeks prior to the reconstruction. While radiation kills those lingering cancer cells, it's really not a Good Thing (tm) for the human body. Ultimately, having to go through radiation means that the reconstruction can NOT be done at the time of removal. By the time we were finished talking, we had left it that I would have my mastectomy in December, have a temporary expander put in, and then later decide what type of reconstruction to have: some sort of "flap" (own tissue) or implants later on. At that time, my prophylactic mastectomy would be done and reconstructed.
It felt good to have a plan. Then Dr. Welch examined me and I got the best bad news I've ever gotten.
I'm not large enough to use my own tissue for reconstruction.
That's ultimately good news for two reasons: (1) I never thought I'd hear that I'm too thin for something. Dr. Welch thinks there isn't enough tissue in my abdomen to build more than one A-cup size breast. One doesn't go me much good. (2) Knowing I didn't have to decide for or against that type of reconstruction and the risks inherent with it, was like a 10-ton weight lifting off my shoulders. I didn't want to face that surgery. But I also didn't want to discount it and chicken out because I'm afraid of the recovery. Plus, I was concerned that no matter how I decided, I'd have regrets. Now, there is no decision. I can't do it. It's not possible. End of story. 'Nuf said. If the radiated side needs to be "fleshed out" later on, due to skin contraction as a result of radiation, I have enough tissue to do that.
Therefore, as it stands, I'll have surgery sometime around mid-December. I still need to decided whether to have both breasts removed at that time or just the one. Then 8 weeks of radiation. And sometime in early Spring, reconstruction.
I'm leaning toward having both breasts removed in December. There are a few reasons for this. (1) if I need to have a tissue expander on the right (prophylactic) side, if I have it done later, I have to then wait for reconstruction. (2) Surgery costs money and if I have both done in December, then it will ultimately be cheaper. (3) My right side is my dominant side. My left arm is already quite a bit weaker and less coordinated than my right arm. For instance, if I try to brush my teeth with my left hand, I practically stick the toothbrush up my nose. I'm afraid I'll have a much harder time re-gaining strength and mobility with my left arm if I can easily overcompensate with my right. And then where will I be when I have the right side removed? I think, perhaps, I could better achieve symmetry if I just do both sides at the same time.
Monday or Tuesday, I call and schedule round one of surgery. It feels good to have some sort of plan, even if it isn't all finalized. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted.
For starters, I love Dr. Welch's Physician's Assistant. I've blanked on her name. I'm horrible with names under the best of circumstances, but lately, chemo brain has made my ability to even remember what people look like worse than normal. My ability to grasp names is much worse than normal. In fact, I worry about my ability to function normally in the future.
The PA took my history. I'm a slow learner, but I have finally figured out that instead of tediously copying down all the supplements I take, I could just give the doctors a copy of the list. The chemo has been highly effective so far, as discussed earlier, and for that I'm thankful. However, I think at least some of the success has to be due to the incredible research Katherine in Atlanta has done, and the regime of supplements she developed for me, which I take on a semi-religious basis. When the PA saw my list, she was quite impressed by the cutting edge nature of it. In fact, recently, I skimmed the book (which I highly recommend for all who would like to reduce the incredible odds of getting cancer--just living in the USA increases your risk these days) Anti-Cancer by Dr. David Servan-Schreiber and noticed that Kat in Atl's list of supplements is very similar to what he recommends. While none of my other doctors have pooh-poohed my supplements, neither have any of them actively encouraged their use. Her affirmation set a very positive tone.
Dr. Welch is the epitome of energetic. Ever seen an electrical arc? That's her. She burst through the door of the room, and bam, we were talking. After carefully talking through how my philosophical tendency would be to use my own tissue for reconstruction, she was also very considerate of my concerns regarding recuperation times, the effect on my family of such major surgery (10-15 hours), and danger of a 6-8 day hospital stay with drains in my body (ideal entry for MRSA). Who has a planned stay in the hospital of 6-8 days any more? Not to mention a difficult 8-10 week recovery. We also discussed the pros and cons of implants, current research on implants, her experiences with implants, as well as procedures, recovery, and risks.
All of these decisions and her job as an artist of flesh is compounded by the fact that the left side of my chest will be radiated for 8 weeks prior to the reconstruction. While radiation kills those lingering cancer cells, it's really not a Good Thing (tm) for the human body. Ultimately, having to go through radiation means that the reconstruction can NOT be done at the time of removal. By the time we were finished talking, we had left it that I would have my mastectomy in December, have a temporary expander put in, and then later decide what type of reconstruction to have: some sort of "flap" (own tissue) or implants later on. At that time, my prophylactic mastectomy would be done and reconstructed.
It felt good to have a plan. Then Dr. Welch examined me and I got the best bad news I've ever gotten.
I'm not large enough to use my own tissue for reconstruction.
That's ultimately good news for two reasons: (1) I never thought I'd hear that I'm too thin for something. Dr. Welch thinks there isn't enough tissue in my abdomen to build more than one A-cup size breast. One doesn't go me much good. (2) Knowing I didn't have to decide for or against that type of reconstruction and the risks inherent with it, was like a 10-ton weight lifting off my shoulders. I didn't want to face that surgery. But I also didn't want to discount it and chicken out because I'm afraid of the recovery. Plus, I was concerned that no matter how I decided, I'd have regrets. Now, there is no decision. I can't do it. It's not possible. End of story. 'Nuf said. If the radiated side needs to be "fleshed out" later on, due to skin contraction as a result of radiation, I have enough tissue to do that.
Therefore, as it stands, I'll have surgery sometime around mid-December. I still need to decided whether to have both breasts removed at that time or just the one. Then 8 weeks of radiation. And sometime in early Spring, reconstruction.
I'm leaning toward having both breasts removed in December. There are a few reasons for this. (1) if I need to have a tissue expander on the right (prophylactic) side, if I have it done later, I have to then wait for reconstruction. (2) Surgery costs money and if I have both done in December, then it will ultimately be cheaper. (3) My right side is my dominant side. My left arm is already quite a bit weaker and less coordinated than my right arm. For instance, if I try to brush my teeth with my left hand, I practically stick the toothbrush up my nose. I'm afraid I'll have a much harder time re-gaining strength and mobility with my left arm if I can easily overcompensate with my right. And then where will I be when I have the right side removed? I think, perhaps, I could better achieve symmetry if I just do both sides at the same time.
Monday or Tuesday, I call and schedule round one of surgery. It feels good to have some sort of plan, even if it isn't all finalized. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Is it real? Or is it Memorex? Decisions, Decisions
I hate pain. The pain and recuperation after my Cesarean section with Nathan were enough to catapult me into the whole natural childbirth thing head long and full steam ahead. Rolling over for the first time and feeling like my guts were going to spill out onto the bed is the stuff of nightmares. Speaking of nightmares, the nightmares I had while on morphine...hair covered IV poles, for instance (and we all know how I hate hair not attached to heads) still haunt me. Yet, the day they took my morphine away from me ("Give it one more click, honey, and then let's get you up to the bathroom" and I came back, and it was gone, gone I tell you...but that baby with a conical head, looking remarkably like a Saturday Night Live character from the 70s was still there, waiting to suckle like something from Erasure Head....) is one of the saddest days of my life. Maybe it was because I was nursing and the medical establishment seems to want to punish people for doing that (or did in '92) that caused them to then offer me ibuprofen and benadryl as a replacement (hell-fucking-lo! after being filleted like a perch, having my bladder cavalierly tossed onto my upper abdomen, and having a baby's head disengaged from my pelvis...yes, the doctor had to stand on a step stool to get enough leverage to unstick him...and then being stapled back together like Frankenstein you think Advil is going to make a difference???)...regardless, I had a lot of pain. Good thing I could lean on my flashy "first baby" stroller because standing upright was something I tried to avoid for quite some time.
Come to think of it, before I had my next baby, I had a list of demands should I have another c-section: I wasn't coming home from the hospital without first having someone replace our regular toilet seat with a raised, handicapped seat and the purchase of a new bed to replace the low futon that we had at the time. I had experienced the lack of joy of crawling, literally, out of bed and pulling myself hand over hand up the door frame only to have to use those same sliced muscles again to get off the toilet in the middle of the night. Wasn't going to happen again. No siree, Bob.
For the record, I went on to have three vaginal births after that cesarean. All babies were larger than than the stuck one; one baby was over 11 lbs and was born in my living room.
But I digress. I thought I'd worked through most of this....hmmmm.....maybe not.
I meet with the plastic surgeon tomorrow. Until this very evening, I was all about using my own tissue for reconstruction. Then I read. And watched. And read comments and discussion boards.
Erm...to put it all in perspective: 6 rounds of chemo over 18 weeks; mastectomy (still to be decided if single or double, but at least one side will go down to the muscle and remove two levels of lymph nodes); 8 weeks, 5 days a week of radiation; reconstruction surgery (which could involve the removal of my right breast if not done earlier); and then nipple work (that's kind of fun to say...try saying it 5 times fast...nippleworknippleworknippleworknippleworknipplework...is knipple a word? It is now. Would you like salad or knipple with that?) and I'm looking at...well...a lot of pain. I don't like pain.
If I choose to use my own flesh for reconstruction, that involves major abdominal surgery and at least double, if not longer, recovery. Recovery which involves severe limitations on lifting and carrying for 6-8 weeks...no more than 5-8 lbs for that whole time (my laptop weighs 6 lbs...my newborns were all over 8 lbs...that's not a lot of weight), a longer wait to resume normal activities, such as driving, and a longer wait for any sort of exercise. With the removal of lymph nodes, there is always the risk of lymphedema, which is compounded by a lack of exercise. Current research shows that weight bearing activity reduces the occurrence of lymphedema....but if I can't lift more than 5 lbs for 8 weeks....that seems to me to be a conundrum.
On top of all that nastiness, how much more am I willing to put my family through? As it is, they've endured some huge changes, among them being forced into public education and losing at least one vacation. Their wife and mother spends most of her time right now either in the classroom or in bed. We won't even discuss the financial implications of all this, but even with good insurance, we are bleeding green and the bills have just started coming in. We are stuck in a 3 week cycle of good and bad days. Now that my husband is off work, I get up 30 minutes before I have to teach, teach, and within 30 minutes of my last class ending I'm back in bed for at least 1.5 hours--or sunning myself in the yard--until I regain enough energy to continue with the day. I have a hard time imagining 8 weeks of daily radiation and what that will mean to our lives. Is it even fair for me to contemplate adding 8 weeks of recovery from a more expensive surgery to the list?
Ultimately, I think not.
Given the increased risk of complications from double major surgery, increased time in the hospital (where people get sick and die on a daily basis), increased risk of tissue death due to the tissue flap not "taking"; given the increased expense; given the increased recovery time; given the increased incapacitation; given the increased pain...I'm now 90% convinced I will do simple implant reconstruction.
Yes, implants need to be replaced approximately every 10 years, but from what I read, that is such a minor surgery compared to the flap surgery, that it is hardly worth mentioning. Plus, at some point, I figure I'll get old enough that I really won't care any more if I have boobs (and no one will be looking closely enough to be able to tell). And, truthfully, I'm still scarred enough from seeing my 90-something year old great aunt's looooooong boob flaps 35 years ago to think that implants might save me from that fate, whereas my own flesh will change as flesh changes over time....my ass might droop to the backs of my knees, my back might droop to my ass, but my boobs will defy gravity.
Ok, so that's the plan I'm taking to bed with me tonight.
Now, let's see what the doctor says tomorrow.
Oh, and my students today asked for my blog url....perhaps not.....I wonder if they'd look up the work "knipple."
Come to think of it, before I had my next baby, I had a list of demands should I have another c-section: I wasn't coming home from the hospital without first having someone replace our regular toilet seat with a raised, handicapped seat and the purchase of a new bed to replace the low futon that we had at the time. I had experienced the lack of joy of crawling, literally, out of bed and pulling myself hand over hand up the door frame only to have to use those same sliced muscles again to get off the toilet in the middle of the night. Wasn't going to happen again. No siree, Bob.
For the record, I went on to have three vaginal births after that cesarean. All babies were larger than than the stuck one; one baby was over 11 lbs and was born in my living room.
But I digress. I thought I'd worked through most of this....hmmmm.....maybe not.
I meet with the plastic surgeon tomorrow. Until this very evening, I was all about using my own tissue for reconstruction. Then I read. And watched. And read comments and discussion boards.
Erm...to put it all in perspective: 6 rounds of chemo over 18 weeks; mastectomy (still to be decided if single or double, but at least one side will go down to the muscle and remove two levels of lymph nodes); 8 weeks, 5 days a week of radiation; reconstruction surgery (which could involve the removal of my right breast if not done earlier); and then nipple work (that's kind of fun to say...try saying it 5 times fast...nippleworknippleworknippleworknippleworknipplework...is knipple a word? It is now. Would you like salad or knipple with that?) and I'm looking at...well...a lot of pain. I don't like pain.
If I choose to use my own flesh for reconstruction, that involves major abdominal surgery and at least double, if not longer, recovery. Recovery which involves severe limitations on lifting and carrying for 6-8 weeks...no more than 5-8 lbs for that whole time (my laptop weighs 6 lbs...my newborns were all over 8 lbs...that's not a lot of weight), a longer wait to resume normal activities, such as driving, and a longer wait for any sort of exercise. With the removal of lymph nodes, there is always the risk of lymphedema, which is compounded by a lack of exercise. Current research shows that weight bearing activity reduces the occurrence of lymphedema....but if I can't lift more than 5 lbs for 8 weeks....that seems to me to be a conundrum.
On top of all that nastiness, how much more am I willing to put my family through? As it is, they've endured some huge changes, among them being forced into public education and losing at least one vacation. Their wife and mother spends most of her time right now either in the classroom or in bed. We won't even discuss the financial implications of all this, but even with good insurance, we are bleeding green and the bills have just started coming in. We are stuck in a 3 week cycle of good and bad days. Now that my husband is off work, I get up 30 minutes before I have to teach, teach, and within 30 minutes of my last class ending I'm back in bed for at least 1.5 hours--or sunning myself in the yard--until I regain enough energy to continue with the day. I have a hard time imagining 8 weeks of daily radiation and what that will mean to our lives. Is it even fair for me to contemplate adding 8 weeks of recovery from a more expensive surgery to the list?
Ultimately, I think not.
Given the increased risk of complications from double major surgery, increased time in the hospital (where people get sick and die on a daily basis), increased risk of tissue death due to the tissue flap not "taking"; given the increased expense; given the increased recovery time; given the increased incapacitation; given the increased pain...I'm now 90% convinced I will do simple implant reconstruction.
Yes, implants need to be replaced approximately every 10 years, but from what I read, that is such a minor surgery compared to the flap surgery, that it is hardly worth mentioning. Plus, at some point, I figure I'll get old enough that I really won't care any more if I have boobs (and no one will be looking closely enough to be able to tell). And, truthfully, I'm still scarred enough from seeing my 90-something year old great aunt's looooooong boob flaps 35 years ago to think that implants might save me from that fate, whereas my own flesh will change as flesh changes over time....my ass might droop to the backs of my knees, my back might droop to my ass, but my boobs will defy gravity.
Ok, so that's the plan I'm taking to bed with me tonight.
Now, let's see what the doctor says tomorrow.
Oh, and my students today asked for my blog url....perhaps not.....I wonder if they'd look up the work "knipple."
Thought of the Day
As much as I like to bitch and moan, I do think Marty, here, sums up one of the fundamentals of life:
I am determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may find myself. For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstance but by our disposition....Martha Washington
I am determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may find myself. For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstance but by our disposition....Martha Washington
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Good News, redux!
I have several ideas for blog entries, but physical limitations have intervened. Get this...in an effort to stave off having to take more pain killers for the bone pain last night, I took a LONG hot bath. In an effort to feel domestic and helpful around the house (and have a clean, dry towel after my bath), I took all the clean towels into the bathroom and threw them (unfolded) into the basket in the bathroom closet. After my bath, in an effort to find some centeredness, I decided to fold the towels, because I love how tidy and organized folded towels are.
Got all that?
In folding the towels and tossing them folded, after my long hot bath, into the towel basket in the closet, I somehow snagged the nail on my left ring finger, and ripped it off way down into the nailbed. And it bled, and bled, and bled and bled....and now I have this huge bandaide on it and keep hitting more than one key with that finger, plus it is quite painful.
On top of that, each round of chemo has increased the neuropathy in my fingers and feet. It waxes and wanes...worse about now, better just before starting another round, but regardless, there's still numbness in my figures, causing for clumsy typing. So, uber-owie in one finger and lessened feeling in 9 fingers....
Anyway, so this didn't end up being quick....
But there is ultimate good news....the biopsy on my right breast came back negative for cancer. I have fibrocystic breast condition, which over 60% of all women have. It's nothing as long as it doesn't bother me. Some types of PCBC indicate an increased risk of breast cancer, but not the kind I have.
So, nothing really MUST be done with my right breast.
That opens up other options for later on.
And I'll know more about those options after we meet with the plastic surgeon on Friday.
And now, the finger I can feel says I must stop typing. More on these topics later.
Meanwhile, join me in a happy dance.
Got all that?
In folding the towels and tossing them folded, after my long hot bath, into the towel basket in the closet, I somehow snagged the nail on my left ring finger, and ripped it off way down into the nailbed. And it bled, and bled, and bled and bled....and now I have this huge bandaide on it and keep hitting more than one key with that finger, plus it is quite painful.
On top of that, each round of chemo has increased the neuropathy in my fingers and feet. It waxes and wanes...worse about now, better just before starting another round, but regardless, there's still numbness in my figures, causing for clumsy typing. So, uber-owie in one finger and lessened feeling in 9 fingers....
Anyway, so this didn't end up being quick....
But there is ultimate good news....the biopsy on my right breast came back negative for cancer. I have fibrocystic breast condition, which over 60% of all women have. It's nothing as long as it doesn't bother me. Some types of PCBC indicate an increased risk of breast cancer, but not the kind I have.
So, nothing really MUST be done with my right breast.
That opens up other options for later on.
And I'll know more about those options after we meet with the plastic surgeon on Friday.
And now, the finger I can feel says I must stop typing. More on these topics later.
Meanwhile, join me in a happy dance.
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